Nathaniel

Shockey

Read Nathaniel's bio and previous columns here

August 26, 2008

Raise the Pay for the All-Important Stars of The Hills!

With the Democratic National Convention, the Russia-Georgia debacle, Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki’s insistence that the U.S. leave him alone, the Olympics, the U.S. Open and the Phillies’ resurgence to relevance in the NL East, it’s hard to decide where to look without getting dizzy.

So I followed the crowd and checked out the recently released salaries of the characters on MTV’s reality show, The Hills. Here they are:

Lauren Conrad: $75,000 per episode

Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode

Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode

Audrina Patridge: $35,000 per episode

Whitney Port: $20,000 per episode

Brody Jenner: $10,000 per episode

Lauren “Lo” Bosworth: $10,000 per episode

Stephanie Pratt: $8,000 per episode

Does anyone else feel like these are painfully low?

Granted, all they do is mull about and go to hip clubs with hip names like “Les Deux.” (People from L.A. pronounce this, “lay-do,” because I don’t think they realize it’s French). But doesn’t MTV realize the important roles they play not only on a television show, but in society?

For those lacking a familiarity with the characters, allow me to fill you in.

Lauren Conrad is the main character of the show. She was also one of the main characters of the show, Laguna Beach, and The Hills is a sort of spin-off featuring her incredibly dramatic life.

Lauren has switched jobs several times since the show’s genesis, but clearly, she doesn’t really need one. Most importantly, she somehow ends up being the most normal one on the show. You might even say she keeps the show’s feet on solid ground, or at least in L.A., which are probably not the same thing.

Heidi is a bit of a freak show. She used to be best friends with Lauren, until she started dating Spencer, who I’ll get to in a second. Since the show began, Heidi got a boob job, a nose job and starred in one of the most horrendous music videos you’ve ever seen or heard. To stay she starred in it is actually an understatement. She’s the only one in the entire video. She also allegedly started the rumor that Lauren had created a sex video, which helped cement a substantial minimum level of animosity between the two.

Spencer generally plays the role of Satan. He actually looks a lot like the image I have come to have of Satan. He has crazy eyes and unkempt blond facial hair. He usually doesn’t have a job, but as you may notice from the figures above, he doesn’t really need one. He frequently declares people his enemies, such as Lauren, and anyone who is friends with Lauren, which includes his former best friend Brody. No one really likes him, and consequently, no one really likes Heidi much anymore either. They’re very tragic.

Audrina lives with Lauren, but the two have been steadily growing apart since they began living with “Lo.” Rumor has it that her middle and last names are “And Behold.” (Thank you, thank you). Audrina has dated a few guys since the show began, perhaps the most interesting being a hairstylist they nicknamed Justin Bobby. Somehow, Audrina seems to constantly get herself into relationships with oddly-named people, which is about as deep as her character goes.

Whitney is an anomaly, primarily because she has an actual job. She went to college, and proceeded to work her way up to her current position for “The Peoples Revolution,” which is a PR firm that is heavily involved in fashion. The college and promotions alone have made her character truly unique. Naturally, very few fans of the show can figure her out. She’s a pretty good friend to Lauren, and even helps her get jobs she would otherwise have no business getting.

I don’t want to get into the last few characters, because they’re not quite as interesting, and this column has already gotten a bit long. Once I start talking about The Hills, it’s pretty hard to stop me. But the point is, these characters are drastically underpaid.

I can’t be the only one who appreciates that these people are wonderful role models. They wear hip clothes, wear their hair in interesting ways, show us where all the cool places are and handle their relationships with honesty, integrity and maturity. They go through quite a few relationships, too, which helps teach us that practice makes perfect.

And let’s not neglect the sacrifice they make by willingly carrying out such dramatic lives and even making sure that cameras are always rolling when the most important events and conversations take place. Their putrid salaries are an insult, and I, along with so many others who look to these pillars of goodness for advice on general living, am seriously offended.

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # NS130. Request permission to publish here.