Nathaniel

Shockey

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June 23, 2008

What Does Obama Really Mean? The Advisor Knows All

How do we know what Barack Obama really means? We need to listen not only to his own words, but also those of his very, very special advisor. 

Obama: Nobody is suffering more than the Palestinian people. If we could get some movement among Palestinian leadership, what I'd like to see is a loosening up of some of the restrictions on providing aid directly to the Palestinian people. 

Advisor (whispering in his ear): Sir, there are a lot of Jews in the U.S., not to mention a lot of people who are concerned about Israel. You might tread a bit more lightly on this one. 

Obama: As president I will never compromise when it comes to Israel's security. Jerusalem will remain the capital of Israel and it must remain undivided. The U.S. bond with the Jewish state is unbreakable today, unbreakable tomorrow, unbreakable forever. 

Advisor (whispering forcefully): That might have been a bit strong, sir. 

Obama: Obviously, it's going to be up to the parties to negotiate a range of these issues. And Jerusalem will be part of those negotiations. As a practical matter, it would be very difficult to execute a division of the city. And I think that it is smart for us to work through a system in which everybody has access to the extraordinary religious sites in Old Jerusalem but that Israel has a legitimate claim on that city. 

Advisor: Nice going, senator. I think you’ve pleased everyone. This might be an opportune time to mention Iran and Hamas. 

Obama: As president, I would engage in aggressive personal diplomacy with Iran, and would offer economic inducements and a possible promise not to seek regime change if Iran stopped meddling in Iraq and cooperated on terrorism and nuclear issues. 

Advisor: There’s a pretty good chance what you just said will be construed as a willingness to deal with terrorists. 

Obama: We must not negotiate with a terrorist group intent on Israel's destruction. We should only sit down with them if they renounce terrorism, recognize Israel's right to exist and abide by past agreements. Let’s not forget, I was against the war in Iraq. 

Advisor: Nice clarification, and nice plug. 

Obama (getting quite excited now): If John McCain wants to have a debate about protecting the United States of America, that is a debate that I'm happy to have any time, any place, and that is a debate that I will win. 

Advisor: Wow, that was ballsy. Just a second, I’m getting a phone call. 

(Obama stands awkwardly at the microphone, flashes his winning smile, waves to an invisible friend at the back of the room). 

Advisor (in his ear): Apparently, McCain has challenged you to 10 different town hall-style debates over the summer. 

Obama: Unfortunately, my schedule won’t really allow for any debates at this time. But really, what more needs to be said? I was against this war from the beginning. Yes, you in the front. 

Audience member: Could you address rumors that we are winning the war in Iraq? What is your stance on Iraq now? 

Obama: You must not have heard me. I was against this war from the beginning. You’re obviously a little behind. 

Audience member: I know you were against it. But apparently, we’re winning the war. Violence and deaths are at record lows, many important cities that once were death zones have become safe again and the Iraqi parliament has succeeded in passing practically every original "benchmark" legislation we’ve asked of them. Do you have any comment on this? 

(Obama shuffles his feet nervously, looks at his advisor, who looks back at him and shrugs.) 

Obama: I was . . . against the war from the beginning? 

Audience member: Thanks for clearing that up, Senator. 

Obama: Yes we can? 

Advisor: Quick. Say something bad about Bush.

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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