Mike

Ball

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May 26, 2008

How to Talk to Your Wife

This morning before breakfast, my wife lobbed a verbal grenade into my coffee cup. She asked, “What do you think of my friend, Brunhilde?”

(Please note, my wife doesn’t actually have a friend named “Brunhilde.” This is a sophisticated literary device, known in the trade as “Making Stuff Up”.)

Now, to a newlywed or a male Cro-Magnon, this Brunhilde question may seem like a perfectly normal conversation starter. To a man who has been married for almost 33 years, however, the peril is clear. There is no possible answer you can give that can’t explode on you.

Here’s how it works:

If you say the obvious, something like, “I think Brunhilde is great,” there is a pretty good chance that you’ll spend the next 30 minutes of your life hearing all about how Brunhilde is a two-faced trollop who can’t be trusted. Then you’ll get another 30 minutes discovering that you never stand up for your wife, and that you probably should just go right on ahead and run off with Brunhilde.

If, on the other hand, you say, “I think she’s a two-faced trollop,” you are likely to learn that you never have put one iota of effort into really getting to know any of your wife’s friends, and that you have no right to be critical of a caring, lovely, misunderstood person like Brunhilde.

So, for those newlyweds and male Cro-Magnons out there, here is a partial list of ways to navigate the conversational minefields you are sure to encounter with your wife.

Wife: “I think my hair looks horrible.”
 

Husband: “Mmmmrowm.”

Wife: “My brother / father / mother / sister is an idiot.”

Husband: “Drowfl!”

Wife: “How do you think a rich girl like Paris Hilton gets all those men to buy jewelry and cars for her?”

Husband: “Nnnnngong.”

I think you can easily see the pattern emerging here. In fact, the most successfully married guy I know has not said an intelligible word in his wife’s presence since the early spring of 1966.

For those of you who feel some sick need to engage in or even initiate actual conversation with your wives, here are just a few things you probably should avoid saying:

“I think I really owe it to myself to have another couple of beers before Jack and I head out to the golf course.”

“If you were just a little better organized, I’ll bet you could get all that laundry done before you go to work.”

“Geez honey, maybe you should hit the old Stairmaster!”

“Hey, you know that girl I used to live with in college? Well, I ran into her yesterday, her divorce is final and she’s looking great!”

“How drunk do you suppose a guy would have to be before he could choke down this tuna casserole?”

Of course, a woman can get away with saying pretty much anything she wants to a man. Almost every married guy should be thoroughly accustomed to hearing things like:

“You aren’t going to wear that shirt, are you?”

“Your brother / father / mother / sister is an idiot.”

“Are you really going to eat another pork chop?” or the corollary, “Why don’t you go buy some pants you can get that fat butt of yours into?”

“Have you been sleeping in a dumpster? Go do something with your hair.”

“I’ll bet Dave Barry’s wife doesn’t have to trip over six pairs of Dave’s shoes in the living room . . .”

OK, maybe that last one is just me.

Copyright © 2008, Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.