Mike

Ball

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January 7, 2008

Ask Dr. Mike: Fruitcakes and the Holiday Pilgrimage

From time to time my readers, apparently not aware of my carefully cultivated lack of any useful knowledge whatsoever, write in and ask me to help them solve the important issues in their lives. This is one of those times. So, here is the new year’s first action-packed installment of “Ask Dr. Mike.”

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

We are a young married couple, and my wife and I have just finished the annual Holiday pilgrimage to spend time with all of our relatives.

What an ordeal! We were on the road so long that when we got back we found squatters living in our house. The squatters painted the kitchen and retiled the bathroom while we were gone, and they bought a great new couch for the family room, so we’re letting them stay.

Our problem is that even after all the visits, none of our relatives seemed completely satisfied. My wife’s Uncle Phil even took a shot at our car as we drove away.

What can we do?

Signed,

At Least The Squatters Seem To Like Us

Dear At Least,

Your problem is a common one, and it is a matter of managing expectations. Each family unit believes that it should be the focal point in your lives, and so competes for your time and attention. You should take this as a sign that they all love you and just crave your company.

My suggestion would be to fake your own deaths and move to Tahiti.

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

I’m getting pretty sick of all the seasonal jokes about fruitcakes. This is a serious problem! Our regular postal carrier was injured just before Christmas when he had to hit the brakes of his mail truck and the fruitcakes stacked up behind him shifted forward. It took a backhoe and the Jaws of Life nearly two days to dig him out.

So what are we supposed to do with all these fruitcakes we receive every year? I’m afraid that if we throw them away, they could reach critical mass in the landfills, fall to the center of the planet, and create a black hole that will destroy our entire section of the galaxy.

I heard that Lou Dobbs has proposed a Fruit Cake Plan – something about Mexicans. Could there be any truth to this?

Signed,

Stephen Hawking

Dear Dr. Hawking,

While the research certainly does support your fruitcake black hole theory, I don’t think we have much to worry about. For one thing, if that many people threw away their fruitcakes, the axles on all the garbage trucks would break long before they got to the landfill.

I agree with you, though, fruitcakes are a serious problem in our society. While a few of them have been successfully used as ballast in Liberian freighters, there are just not enough freighters out there to provide a permanent solution.

I recently encountered several people who claim to like fruitcakes, and who actually eat them. My thought is that if we can identify these people, we could send all the fruitcakes to them. The only downside I can see is that concentrating all the fruitcakes in these few locations might upset the orbit of the planet and plunge us into the sun. Still, it would probably be worth it.

As for the Lou Dobbs thing, that was just an unfounded rumor started by an unscrupulous humor columnist. I’m sure that even Mr. Dobbs would never inflict fruitcakes on Mexicans.

If you have critical life issues to deal with, and you would like advice from a professional village idiot, send your questions to mike@drfunnyguy.com.

Copyright © 2008, Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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