Lucia

de Vernai

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June 9, 2008

The Laughable Scam That Is ‘Medical’ Marijuana

There are a few constants in the discussion of American domestic politics: Rising costs, shady politicians and our Puritan ethics. Gas prices are depressing and politicians are repetitive, so that leaves us with the contraband.

The 11 states that have legalized medicinal marijuana have their share of grief from opposition groups ranging from scared parents to DEA officials trying to monitor the production of the leafy painkiller. But besides being controversial, the distribution of marijuana for medicinal purposes has now officially become ridiculous.

The boundaries between the justifiable purpose of the substance and the not-so-underground culture of recreational use have blurred, and it’s not doing law-abiding users any favors. We’re an image-driven culture, so no matter how many reports and physician testimonials another acronym-happy organization comes up with, a single shot of a “pharmacy” with a neon 420 sign flashing and Grateful Dead poster speaks for itself.

In California, the ease with which a prescription can be obtained relying solely on the patient’s word and then filled by a vending machine is laughable. To convince the nation that marijuana is a legitimate drug reserved for extreme cases, either start putting Vicodin in Pez dispensers or start treating Mary Jane like a potent controlled substance.

Vendors insist that the machines’ increased security (comparable to an ATM) will make it possible for people to access marijuana after store hours. Anyone who has driven up to their pharmacy only to remember that it’s not open 24 hours knows how frustrating not having access to necessary medication can be. Then again, pain relief – whether rolled into a joint or in a child-safety sealed bottle – is not an emergency.

If we don’t vend insulin, there is probably a good reason not to vend BC Bud. You can’t treat the substance as a harmless, easily available helper and then show up at legislative hearings and talk about it as if it were the miracle drug that belongs on the pharmacy top shelf.

It’s somehow more difficult to believe the teary-eyed protestors who swear that a doobie a day has helped their mother deal with cancer when recreational use practices make it all look like a heist at worst and a shady business dealing at best. Cutting links to the illegal use and the widespread culture associated with it is the only way that proponents and legal dispensers of medicinal marijuana are going to keep the right to its use.

That may not be such a bad idea, since their classic arguments are getting worn out. “But it’s all natural!” If by natural you mean it has over 400 additives, then yes, yes it is. (To be fair, one of them is Vitamin A). “It’s the only thing that will take my mind off the pain.” Have you met Jack Daniels? You two may build a life-long relationship. Like any other substance prescribed by a doctor, it should come with a pamphlet that explains the benefits and risks and contents, as well as dispel false perceptions about what it can do.

Marijuana must be treated by all involved with it either as a painkiller or as drug. You can’t have your brownie and smoke it too.

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