Lucia

de Vernai

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April 21, 2008

Party on the Pope Plane: The Bounce in Benedict’s Step

The bounce in the step of 80-year-old Pope Benedict XVI, visible as he descended the steps of his Pope Plane onto the Andrews Air Force Base tarmac, was a sign of how the visit was to be different from previous papal U.S. tours.

The pope already found his way into the hearts of InStyle subscribers when the world found out that His Excellence wears red Prada loafers. The next frontier was the herd of plugged-in lambs that need a special connection to communicate with God. The Vatican gladly obliged; the Holy Father can now be reached at benedictxvi@vatican.va. Word on the street is that a special “Christ Chat” room was being set up, but after an entire season of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit devoted to the transgressions of the Catholic Church, the idea was scrapped.    

If it sounds like the Catholic Church is starting to embrace the concept of “Buddy Jesus,” popularized by Kevin Smith’s directorial magnum opus Dogma, that’s because it is. President Bush tried to get in on the action of making the Catholic Church just a little more hip by approaching the pope after his speech at the White House by exclaiming, “Awesome speech!” If you were holding your breath for the high five, you missed out, but that doesn’t mean that by the end of the tour the president and the pope won’t have a secret handshake.

That’s not to say that the trip was all fun and games – far from it. The pope prayed for peace at Ground Zero and, while at mass with U.S. bishops, addressed the sex scandal that has cost the church $2 billion since the middle of the last century. “We will absolutely exclude pedophiles from the sacred ministry," he said. Perhaps for this reason, the pope did not travel to Boston and held mass at the Yankee Stadium on Sunday. Touché, Pope, touché . . .

Pope Benedict did not address the war in Iraq or the upcoming presidential elections. He did, however, address the harms of illegal immigration, pointing to how the migration causes the breakup of the family in predominantly Catholic countries like Mexico. Don’t let this slip under your radar – Homeland Security and the Vatican hunting your ass is serious business.

But that would be too good to be true. In reality, the pope promised the U.S. Latino population that he would bring the issue up with President Bush, urging him to grant legal status to illegal immigrants. And those families left in the country of origin? Ah, what the hell, bring them over too. And make sure to hide the birth control for good Catholic measure. Amigo Jesús gives you his blessing. 

This proves one thing: Everyone needs a pope. The Vatican is no longer the manifestation of the universal apostolic church. Rather, it is another lobby group that promotes the well-being of some (Hispanics influencing the Church’s power in this country) over the well-being of others (non-Catholics in the Middle East). The Vatican knows that the separation of church and state is much harder to determine when the church is also a state. The head of the Vatican has the kind of political influence that the Archbishop of Canterbury, for example, does not.

No wonder there is an extra bounce in Benedict’s step.

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