Lucia

de Vernai

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April 7, 2008

Heston Dead, Jay-Z Wed, Yoko’s Cred, Camel Celebs, No Arabs Bled

As dynamic as the U.S./Russia relationship is, and as pressing as the pro-Tibet demonstrations are, it’s good sometimes to remember that world news also includes stories that are controversial, curious or saddening – but do not revolve around incompetent presidents, under-funded agencies or war.

But such stories can be just as alarming.

Bad news first: Charlton Heston, the man whose strong features struck fear in gun-control proponents and the pharaoh, passed away this weekend at 84, with his wife of 64 years by his side. The angels came to carry him away to an undisclosed location, but the NRA must have protested because the family will have a private memorial instead. Michael Moore is expected to stand in front of the family gate and holler until they let him attend. I’m tempted to say something about his “cold, dead hands” but think it may be too early.

In other life-milestone news, rapper/producer/designer Jay-Z reportedly married curvaceous singer/model/designer Beyonce Knowles in a “secret” ceremony this weekend. And by secret, I mean setting up a huge white tent on top of a New York apartment building and inviting Oscar winners. Gwyneth Paltrow was in attendance, perhaps to support another bright-eyed young thing marrying a musician. Paltrow’s marriage to Coldplay front man Chris Martin has been coming under scrutiny for years. (Her husband wearing pink nail polish but no wedding ring is the latest tabloid interest.) She got two cute kids out of the deal, and maybe Beyonce will follow suit.

That’s unless Yoko Ono, the queen of breaking good things up, manages to give Beyonce cold feet with another dose of heartfelt realism. When asked about the predictable breakdown of Paul McCartney’s marriage to Heather Mills, she said, “All I can say is it's not very easy for a woman to be associated with The Beatles.”

Didn’t stop you, you hag.

While a hundred violins strummed ever so gently behind her, she added that “I think all the wives did suffer, and I think quietly suffer. Suffer but endured, I would actually say." I wish I could suffer my way into over $40 million in settlement the way Heather Mills did. The original sum sought by Mills exceeded $250 million in assets, including compensation for loss of earnings.  

There’s good news: The United Arab Emirates is holding a Camel Beauty Contest. The competition is stiff, with 10,000 camels with nasty tempers out to prove their pedigree. But after watching Mills take off her prosthetic leg on Dancing with the Stars, I think she can intimidate other cows with ease.

The Emiratis are staging the fairly new event to help preserve their cultural identity. Camel racing, of course, is an important and profitable tradition. But six years ago, Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed, the leader of Abu Dhabi, began putting on the Camel Beauty Contest, which offers prizes worth almost $9 million. While showing off your camel’s lean muscular legs and putting braids in its tail may seem like a frivolous thing to do in the Middle East at the time, any event with thousands of Arabs and no blood spilled . . . why are you complaining?

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