Lucia

de Vernai

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February 14, 2008

Political Valentine’s Day: Democrats, Republicans All Need the Love

Watching U.S. leaders snap and backbite, do you ever ask yourself: Where is the love? Do you ever wonder what the love lives of the presidential candidates are like? Me neither, but if there is a fitting time to inquire into their romantic practices, Valentine’s Day is it. The office comes with expectations of personal accountability as much as it does with political accountability, and a nation that reads more Us Weekly than Newsweek is bound to be curious.

When the Kenneth Starr report appeared, outraged politicians from both ends of the spectrum deemed it “pornographic” and “dirt and filth.” That’s not to say they didn’t like it. Still, even the political science students across the country who read the report for its fascinating tips about the alternative uses of Altoids have to admit that Bill Clinton didn’t help our image.

There is a good chance that we will get another handsome Democrat in the Oval Office, and we can only hope that his conduct will return to us the reputation of a party of lovers, not sleazebags. As enjoyable as pulverizing the religious right is, the “No one ever said ‘That’s a great piece of elephant’” t-shirts are getting stale.

While Bill Clinton remains the hero for young Democrat males – most of who were in grade school during the Lewinsky affair – I have a feeling that Hillary Clinton will make some history too. Watching her face stretch into a large smile while her eyes clearly say, “drop dead” as she playfully bantered with Barack Obama during debates . . . man, not even Cosmo could give a better tutorial in faking it.

Of course, while Democrats have a history of dirty deeds in the White House, don’t be fooled. de Vernai may have made scandalous history in the Ora-, er, Oval Office, but conservatives’ record isn’t exactly . . . spotless. Beloved Ronald Reagan once remarked: “Blondes have the hottest kisses. Redheads are fair-to-middling torrid and brunettes are the frigidest of all.” Makes you wonder if he had anything trickle down in the Oval Office while he was there . . .

I’ll skip John McCain because, with a man at his age and in his health, it would be a self-evident below the belt crack. I’m not saying he should take Bob Dole’s advertising gig, but if he does, I’m sure his wife could hook him up with the right prescriptions. Now that’s how you make a marriage work.

What about those who dropped out of the race? They need some love too. Rudy Giuliani may be the resident ladies’ man on the right, but even despite his lacking in size (of electoral support that is) Ron Paul is still leading the reLOVEution and Mike Huckabee is predicted to enjoy a romantic dinner of squirrel poppers with his wife. Republicans sure are sexy . . .

Of course, none of this will get in the way of the candidates as they bulldoze their path to the presidency. Today, like any other day, polls will lie, and mud will fly as our politicians prove there is no stronger aphrodisiac than power.

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