Jamie

Weinstein

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July 14, 2008

I’m Racist (Even Against My Own People); My Taste Buds Don’t Lie

I am a picky eater. I hate all types of food. I hate Indian food. I hate Ethiopian food. I hate everything that comes from the water. German food is terrible. I despise all Middle Eastern food. Other than Japanese food, most other types of foods of an Asian character are verboten in my mind. While not entirely repugnant, most French food is too gourmet for my taste. I don't even like what is considered traditional "Jewish" cuisine. I say yuck to it all.

I knew my culinary palate was a bit narrow, but I never considered my culinary disposition indicative of some latent racism. Thanks to a new study by a government-sponsored agency in Great Britain, I now know that I may have been living a lie.

According to "Young Children and Racial Justice," a report released by Britain's National Children's Bureau, toddlers who react unfavorably to food associated with a particular ethnic group may be budding racists. The study reportedly encourages preschool teachers to spot such behavior and take action to rectify it.

What's true of toddlers must be doubly true of adults. And if this is the evolving standard for racism, you can call me David Duke.

What may be most shocking is the sudden realization that I am anti-Semitic. As I said, I am not very fond of traditional Jewish cuisine. I hate gefilte fish. I hate latkes. I am not enamored with matzo balls. I don't go head over heels for brisket. When I am in Israel, I force myself to eat turkey schnitzel, but I don't like it very much.

So what can I say? My dislike of "Jewish" food must emanate from a deep seated hatred of my own people. This is hard to swallow. I never thought I was anti-Semitic. But how can I deny the facts?

In addition to hating Jews, it also appears that I am rabidly anti-ocean. I don't like anything that resides in the sea. If the ocean had only known of my deep-seated animus toward it during the times I swam in it or cruised on top of it, I suspect it may have tried to rid the world of such a bigot like myself.

So, in summary, according to this recent study, it is evident that I hate Jews, ocean dwellers, most Asians, Indians, much of Europe, all of Africa and the entirety of the Middle East. How do I have any friends at all?

If anything is wrong with this report it is that it is probably incomplete. While confronting my inner racist demons, I have thought of other tests one could use to root out the scourge of the toddler racism – though in truth, many of these could be used to spot racism in people of all ages. Here are a few ideas just in case Britain's National Children's Bureau sees fit to release a revised and more complete version of their latest study.

1)   If you drink tap water in Mexico and contract Montezuma's revenge, it is a clear sign that you are racist towards Mexicans. Immune systems don't lie.

2)   If you get a terminal disease and try to utilize "Eastern" medicine as a last ditch hope to save your life, and die, it is almost certain that you are a racist of those cultures that employ Eastern medical techniques. If you weren't, you would have lived.

3)   If you think the automobile Kia is a piece of junk, it is a sure sign that you are racist against Korean people.

4)   If you refuse to wear Lederhosen, this may be a sign that you hate the Swiss.

5)   If you refuse to read books in a language other than English, then clearly racism is manifest in you. It is not an excuse to say you do not know how to read Bengali.

6)   If you prefer bathing on a regular basis, you can mark the French down as people who you hate.

7)   If you don't eat Lucky Charms in the morning, you don't like the Irish. There are no two ways about it.

Now, I suppose, there is a possibility that the report from Britain's National Children's Bureau is a not entirely accurate and that children who say yuck to certain foods are not racists. I find that hard to believe but I concede that maybe – just maybe – this study is a prime example of namby pamby multiculturalism run amok. I'll let you decide.

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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