Jamie

Weinstein

Read Jamie's bio and previous columns

May 26, 2008

The Moment of Truth: Presidential Edition

Host: Welcome back to television's most destructive game show, The Moment of Truth. Today we have a very special show as all three current presidential candidates have agreed to face our lie detector test. First on the hot seat is New York Sen. Hillary Clinton.

HC: Glad to be here.

Host: Let's get started. First question: Do you believe there is anything in Barack Obama's past that disqualifies him from being president?

HC: Look, I am a fan of Barack. He is a friend of mine. I don't think the fact that he did or does cocaine, or the fact that he may have been educated his entire life in a Muslim madrassa, or the fact that he may or may not have been planning his campaign for the presidency since the third grade – I don't think any of this should matter. I certainly won't bring it up to score cheap political points. Talking about his history of drug use I think is irrelevant. I just won't lower myself to that. 

Host: OK, Senator. That didn't really answer the question and some of what you said was definitely not true. But let's move on. Every sensible person sees virtually no path for you to win the Democratic nomination. Do you really believe that you can still win?

HC: Win is such a funny word. Things, happen, you know. Unexpected things. In June 1968, for instance, Robert Kenn . . .

Host: Are you really going to go there, Senator? Really? Is this what your campaign strategy has devolved to?

HC: Whatsoever do you mean? Oh, no. You don't think I was implying. Heavens no.

Host: I think you just made me throw up in my mouth. Please just give me a yes or no. Practically, do you really think you can win the nomination?

HC: Yes.

Host: And the lie detector shows . . . that's a lie. Congratulations, Senator. You have not only proved yourself a liar, but a disgrace as well. Thank you for participating and may God have mercy on your soul. Now joining us is Illinois Sen. Barack Obama.

BO: Thanks for having me. 

Host: Let's get right to it. Do you like your Democratic rival Hillary Clinton?

BO: I am going to need some clarification here. Do you mean like? Or do you mean like-like?

Host: I mean like-like.

BO: Well, then no.

Host: Our lie detector says that is an honest answer. But while we are on the subject, how about just like? Do you like her as a person?

BO: As we say in the Senate, I vote nay on that one as well.

Host: Not very diplomatic, but the lie detector does say you are being honest. A new kind of politics indeed. Let's go to our next question: What do you think of Oprah?

Barack proceeds to shape his index finger and thumb into an "L" and hold the symbol up to his forehead expressing the universal symbol for loser. He holds it there for five seconds.

Host: Loser? Really?

BO: Big time. She is always tagging along on my campaign trips. "Barack, let me travel with you. Barack, it will save campaign money if we stay in the same hotel room." You know what I mean? Nag, nag, nag.

Host: Well, I wasn't expecting that answer. One final question: Which musician do you enjoy more: Kenny G or the late Tupac Shakur? 

BO: That is a very good question and I will be glad to answer it. But before I do, I would like to say one thing. My campaign is premised on change. I believe we need change. I encourage everyone who is watching and who believes in change to prove it by changing the channel before I answer this question.

Host: Nice try Senator. I need an answer. You have been honest up to this point.

BO: Kenny G, but I deeply respect Shakur. Deeply respect.

Host: Ouch, Senator. Ouch. The lie detector says that it is a truthful statement. But methinks that one could hurt you with part of your base.

BO: Damn you sir. Damn you to hell.

Host: Let's not lose our head. That's Sen. McCain's reputation, not yours. Speaking of the Arizona senator, let's bring him on stage. Hello, Senator.

JM: Nice to be here, my friend.

Host: Do you like and respect our last guest Sen. Barack Obama?

JM: Barack is an honorable American. We disagree passionately over many issues, but he is certainly an honorable man.

Host: Senator, I need a yes or no answer. Do you or do you not respect him?

JM: Yes or no?

Host: That's right.

JM: And you want honest?

Host: Correct.

JM: In that case, no. I don't like and respect him. He is an inexperienced little pipsqueak. He is distorting my record. He is friends with leftist radicals that hate America (McCain's anger becomes more evident as he thrusts the chair he is sitting on into the audience). Frankly, Barack is a no good, lying piece of . . .

Host: . . .That's good enough Senator. Love the rage, but this is a family show. Well, kind of. For fear of enraging you more, let's end it there. Much thanks to all the candidates for joining us. Join us next time for the next edition of Moment of Truth, Presidential Edition.

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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