Jamie

Weinstein

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April 14, 2008

Jimmy Carter: The Dupe Goes to Damascus

Former President Jimmy Carter is reportedly set to travel to Syria this week to meet with Hamas leader Khaled Meshal in order to engage the terrorist in a discussion about the prospects for peace in the Holy Land. What follows is an advance transcript of the meeting.

Jimmy Carter (JC): Salaam aleikum Khaled. I'm Jimmy Carter.

Khaled Meshal (KM): Is that my main man Jimmy C? Come here and give me a hug. I know we have never met before, but I feel like we have been friends forever. We could use more guys like you in American poli, err, I mean Great Satan politics. 

JC: Thanks very much Khaled. It is an honor to meet you. As you know, I am here because I will do anything in the name of peace. I am, after all, a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. 

KM: You know Jimmy, you and I aren't so different. You travel this long distance to meet with me in the name of peace. I send my people to blow up Israeli school children in the name of peace. Our methods may be marginally different, but our goal is the same. We both seek peace, not apartheid. By the way, I might be letting the cat out of the bag by telling you this, but a good source tells me that I am in the running for the 1^st Annual Osama Bin Laden Prize for Peace. .

JC: Congratulations. That's quite an honor. My office is actually trying to schedule me a sit down meeting with Mr. Bin Laden as we speak. I hope to create a peace arrangement with him as well.

Khaled, I would also add that I think we are both motivated by our faith. It is just another . . .

KM: ALLAH AKBAR!

JC: . . . parallel between us. Yes, Allah akbar.

KM: Jimmy, I want you to know that I respect the Christian religion. When the Islamic State of Palestine comes into being, we will welcome Christians to live there happily as second class citizens and slaves. Personally, I would very much like a beautiful, blond American Christian girl to serve in my harem.

But enough chit chat. Let's get down to business. I suspect you are here because you want to join our cause in a more, how shall I say this, tangible way.

JC: Yes, I am here to help create peace between you and the Israelis.

KM: You mean the Zionist murderers who occupy Palestine?

JC: Yes, them.

KM: You see Jim Jim, I am not much of a "peace deal" man myself. I am more of a Jihad guy. That said, I can play the game with the best of them so long as it is in the furtherance of my goals.

Khaled winks at Carter.

JC: I don't understand.

KM: Oh, come on, Jimmy C. This is me you're talking to. Your buddy Khaled. There are no cameras here. We can be honest with each other. I am just saying that I can do the whole press conference thing with you, you know, the "I am man of peace" spiel. Yes, yes, I am willing to negotiate a peace deal and go through all the motions.  I can play that act so long as it moves my people closer to our goal.

JC: Of peace?

KM: Yes, of peace. A peace where the Palestinians control all the pieces of Palestine.

JC: And the Jews?

KM: What is with you and the Jews? You sound obsessed. What are you, a member of The Lobby or something?

Anyway, the Prophet tells us how we should deal with our Jewish "friends". As he once said and the Hamas charter declares: "The Day of Judgment will not come about until Muslims fight the Jews (killing the Jews), when the Jews will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say “O Muslims, O Abdulla, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him.’"

But enough talking about the Jews.  Let's discuss how you can help us.

JC: Tell me what I can do to help advance peace? Serve as a mediator?

KM: Well, that is certainly one way we could go about it. But I think I have a better idea. I have devised a very special mission for you Jim Jim. This is something that will make you a historic figure and a martyr.

JC: My ears are open.

KM: Well, in my closet I have a present for you. It is a vest.

JC: What kind of vest?

KM: A very special vest Jim Jim. A vest that very few people will ever have the pleasure of wearing. But what I need you to do, Jimmy C, is put on the vest once you leave our meeting today. Then, I want you to schedule a meeting with Zionists to discuss our plan for peace. Now, and this is the important part, when all the Zionist officials are in the room for your meeting I need you to pull the cord on the vest.

JC: And then what?

KM: And then . . . boom! We move closer to peace in our time!

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