Jamie

Weinstein

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April 7, 2008

If We Must Have Czars, Let’s Have These Czars

Hillary Clinton pledged last week that as president she would help end "poverty as we know it in America" by appointing a cabinet level "Poverty Czar." Ending poverty is a noble goal, but what I am most concerned about is how the term "czar" made it into our political lexicon?

We have other czars currently in the White House. There is the Drug Czar and most recently President Bush appointed the War Czar. Usually, czars are appointed to solve, or help monitor, nagging policy problems that just seem to fester. In reality, presidents don't really want a czar, they want a wizard. Wizards can make problems go away with a puff of smoke. Czars never seem to.

It is somewhat baffling how we have settled on the term czar for these types of positions, and nowhere is it more strangely used than with the term poverty before it. It's like having a poverty king, which is almost but not quite oxymoronic.

I'm not an expert on Russian history, but I don't remember many of the czars I learned about being particularly favorable figures. Sure there were the Greats, like Peter and Catherine. But for every Pete and Cathy, there was an Ivan the Terrible who subjugated the populace to great horrors. Perhaps a president could appoint a Czar Czar whose task would be coming up with a different term we can use for these presidential posts.

The habit of using the term czar, though, is not limited to Russian history and the White House. Harvard University, for example, famously now appoints a Fun Czar to try to enhance undergraduate life at the storied school. I doubt that their results have been any better than that of our many Drug Czars.  

No matter how odd it is to use this term, there is probably no fighting it. So, as the saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them. In fact, I would like to see a few new czars myself.

John McCain may be wise to appoint an Age Czar as president. This czar's work would hit close to home for the aged McCain. Ideally, our Age Czar should be at least as old as McCain himself so that this gray-haired bureaucrat would actually have an incentive to accomplish the mission. The mission? Find the Fountain of Youth.

A Comedy Czar wouldn't be a bad idea for any president. Sometimes we as Americans are just too serious. If you have the terrorist threat blues or mortgage woes have you in a slump, the Comedy Czar would be there to liven up your day. Right before the president is about to give a landmark address about some depressing national issue, Comedy Czar Jerry Seinfeld could warm up the American people before the big speech. Just as the press is ready to zing hardballs at the president at an impending presidential press conference, Comedy Czar Pee Wee Herman may be able to take some wind out of their sails with a few well-placed jokes.

I would say that Hillary Clinton could appoint a Love Czar, but that is already the unofficial position of her husband Bill. In his official capacity, Love Czar Bill could travel the world in search of love and report on his findings to Congress. I am seeing a VH1 reality show in the vein of Flavor of Love come out of this somehow.

Hillary Clinton probably wouldn't like it, but the American people would benefit from a Truth Czar if she became president. This czar could point out all Hillary's exaggerations and outright lies her campaign to date has been filled with. I don't know who a good candidate would be, but she should probably stay away from picking someone like Saddam Hussein's old press secretary Baghdad Bob. He just doesn't have much credibility these days. 

Barack Obama could appoint a Racism Czar. Or perhaps, he could call it a Hate Czar. There are two routes that this position could take.

In one incarnation, the Hate Czar could be an actual racist. Say, David Duke or perhaps Barack Obama's Pastor Jeremiah Wright. The Hate Czar would pepper us every now and then with a racist speech or off-the-cuff remark. President Obama could then point out to the American people exactly why the comment was racist. I suppose, at least according to the candidate, Obama's grandmother would qualify for this post as well.

Alternatively, the Hate Czar could roam America trying to get at the root of racism. When Don Imus opens his mouth with another off-color jibe, the Race Czar could lead the charge to remove the offender from his job. I see only one possible candidate for this job: Al Sharpton. He has the experience.

The goal of the Hate Czar, of course, would be the eradication of racism. This is a worthy goal, but I bet some of you are thinking it is probably an unachievable one as well. May I remind you that we are talking about a Barack Obama Administration? He can do anything. Yes he can.

Like it or not, czars will be with us for the long run, I think. Don't worry, though. Unlike the wicked czars of Russia's past, ours czars usually turn out to be largely inconsequential.

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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