David J.
Pollay
Read David's bio and previous columns
January 28, 2008
Your Children Are
Sponges: What Beliefs Are They Absorbing?
Here are the highlights from last night’s dinner with my family. When I
arrived home from the office, Dawn and the girls were in the kitchen.
The first thing I did was hug and kiss Dawn. Then I found Eliana and
Ariela – they had gone into hiding when they heard the front door – and
I hugged and kissed them too (after a little joyful tickling). I then
grabbed my daughters and bounced them in my arms as I sang our special
song. (It’s a simple song: I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see
you! I’mmmm soooo happy!). Next, we sat down together for dinner. We
held hands and said our prayers, and we ended our blessings with a loud,
and in unison, “Aaaamen!” We ate the food on our plates – vegetables
included – and then we enjoyed a little dessert. And along the way, we
talked about the fun and important things that happened that day for
each of us. (Real or imaginary, four and five year-olds are fun to talk
to!).
Why do we do these things? Why do we perform these rituals every night?
Daniel Gilbert, Harvard psychologist and author of “Stumbling on
Happiness”, wrote, “Just as we pass along our genes in an effort
to create people whose faces look like ours, so too do we pass along our
beliefs in an effort to create people whose minds think like ours.” We
want our children to share our values and beliefs and to demonstrate
them in their behaviors.
“Almost anytime we tell anyone anything,” Gilbert says, “we are
attempting to change the way their brains operate – attempting to change
the way they see the world so that their view of it closely resembles
our own.” I would add that any time we do anything in front of someone,
we are transmitting a belief.
I
kiss and hug Dawn in front of the girls because I want them to believe
their mother is loved, respected and appreciated. I hug, kiss and sing
to my girls because I want them to believe that they are loved and that
they bring joy to my life. I make sure we hold hands and have fun saying
“Amen” when we pray, so that the girls enjoy saying thanks for
everything that is good in their lives.
But what did checking my e-mail 20 minutes after dinner say? What belief
was I communicating? My diving right into e-mail said that my work was
more important than family time. It also said that when my girls get
older, it will be OK for them to run off after dinner and plunge into
e-mail, Facebook or MySpace. And when I thought about this before I went
to bed, I said to myself, “I don’t want my girls to hold these beliefs.
E-mail can wait. Family time is more important. From now on, no more
e-mail during family time.” I want my girls to see that I value my time
with them and Dawn. And I want them to believe that family time is
meaningful, interesting and fun.
How about you? What beliefs do you want your children to have? What
beliefs do you believe will help make them happier, kinder and more
successful? What are you saying and doing to transmit these good and
powerful beliefs? Whatever good things that you are doing, keep doing
them. Your children need to hear and see them. And what are you doing
that undercuts the beliefs that you want your children to have? Make
sure that you start removing your contradictory language and behavior
from your daily routine.
Our children are sponges. Let’s give them something positive to absorb.
© 2008
David J. Pollay. Distributed by North Star Writers Group. May not be
republished without permission.
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