Dan

Calabrese

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July 19, 2008

Brett Favre a Viking? For the Sake of Purple Valhalla, No!

Some things simply should never be. Ice cream and catsup should not be combined. Fat men should not be shirtless. Britney Spears should not be your babysitter.

And Brett Favre should not be a Minnesota Viking. It is just wrong.

This is not to say I think the Vikings could actually be considering such a God-forsaken idea, but the drama-queen Packers are accusing them of such – and since I’ve learned that you will never go poor underestimating Vikings head coach Brad Childress, I just thought I should make myself abundantly clear.

No. No no no. No way. No never. If Favre so much as thinks of putting on a purple t-shirt to wear around the house, he should be stopped.

This must never be.

Here’s my angle: I have been a Vikings fan since the age of eight. I suffered through the last two Super Bowl losses, the %$(*& “Hail Mary” game against the Cowboys, the wretched Les Steckel season, the uninspired Jerry Burns years, Darrin Nelson’s dropped pass in the 1988 NFC Championship Game, the failure against the Dirty Chickens in ’99 and 41-doughnut in the Meadowlands two years later.

Because of the Vikings, I have suffered frustration, misery and outrage almost my entire life.

Gosh, I love this team.

Living and dying with the Vikings is not for the weak of heart. It takes a special brand of masochist, I mean fan, to never stop believing that the elusive Super Bowl title cannot escape our grasp forever. Many of my friends and family members are Detroit Lions fans. It is much easier for them. They expect to be terrible.

We don’t. We’re good. We keep screwing up, but we have talent and every reason to believe we should win championships. (And for those of you who object to fans referring to their teams in the first person, please lean in closely . . . “Pfffffffffffffffffft!”)

During the past 17 seasons, we Vikings fans have had to love many quarterbacks (although a few of these relationships were dysfunctional). These have included the likes of Rich Gannon, Sean Salisbury, Jim McMahon (!), Warren Moon, Brad Johnson, Randall Cunningham, Jeff George (!) and the ManChylde himself, Daunte Culpepper. We loved them all. Now we love Tarvaris Jackson.

And during that period, the Packers have simplified our lives by making it necessary for us to hate only one green-and-gold-clad enemy signal caller: Brett Favre. This has been easy to do. I am especially good at it. I hate Brett Favre very much. Now, Mr. Favre should not take this personally in the event he comes across this column and finds someone who can read it to him. I don’t know him as a person. I hate Football Player Brett Favre.

The fact that he was a Packer would be enough for me, but there is so much more. I hate the way he intentionally calls attention to himself. I hate the way the media hero-worships him, exaggerates his achievements and excuses his bonehead interceptions with comments like the following from Fox Sports Idiot Bill Maas: “That’s just Brett trying to win.”

So I hate him. And not, as a Chris Berman or John Madden-type would suggest, “You hate him, but you respect him.”

No. I just hate him. I feel no necessity to give him any respect. For one thing, you dolts give him more than his share. For another, during his storied tenure in Green Bay, we haven’t done too badly against him. Some of Favre’s worst games have come against the Vikings. So it’s not as if he’s done nothing but beat the hell out of us.

Now that he’s retired, missed the attention, decided to unretire and been told that the Packers have changed the locks on Lambeau Field, word is that he may want to be a Viking. This talk must stop.

First, it’s not even a good idea from a football perspective. The Vikings’ starting quarterback, Tarvaris Jackson, is young and inexperienced, but the Vikings were 8-4 with him behind center last year in his first year starting. He is physically talented and bound to improve. Favre is 38 years old, and prior to last year, he’d been awful the previous three. What makes anyone think it’s such a sure thing that Favre is better than Jackson right now?

Second, Vikings fans are too invested for too many years detesting this man. We did this, Vikings management, because of our devotion to your team. We can’t mentally reverse course on this. We’ve gone too far down Hate Favre Road. We’re not turning back.

Third, let’s say, just for kicks, that the Vikings sign Favre and win the Super Bowl. We have never won a Super Bowl. It would be our first. Do you really want to win your first Super Bowl with a quarterback we imported from the enemy? Do you want to listen to Madden blather on about how the Vikings were never anything until the great and mighty Favre came along?

Bleh! I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. This is almost enough to make me consider becoming a Lions fan.

Besides, the Vikings are a good team as it is. There is no reason they shouldn’t have a shot at the Super Bowl with Jackson, who will, after all, be their starting quarterback five years from now regardless. Sign Favre, win it all, and one could argue that he glommed on to our championship, rather than being the one who made it possible.

If Favre wants to play, and the Packers don’t want him, oh, what a shame. Let’s make popcorn and watch as the villagers storm Lambeau with lanterns and pitchforks. He can find a new team if he wants to. But it can’t be our team.

We’ll win our own Super Bowl, with our own players. Real Vikings. Something Brett Favre can never be.

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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