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Bob
Batz
Read Bob's bio and previous columns
June 30, 2008
The Demise of the
Doorknob: Part of the Conspiracy Against Things Bob Likes
I
read the other day that the doorknob is quickly becoming a thing of the
past.
According to the author of the story, doorknobs are being shoved into
extinction by door levers, which are growing in popularity because their
release mechanisms make them easier to use than doorknobs.
The story went on to say that door levers now account for 15 percent
of U.S. door-opener sales, according to hardware industry surveys. I
can’t believe doorknobs could soon go the way of dinosaurs, hoop skirts
and 78 RPM records.
I
mean, if there aren’t any doorknobs where in the hell am I going to hang
my clothes every night before I go to bed?
If
you ask me, the reported demise of the doorknob is part of yet another
screwball scheme to rid the world of all of the things I absolutely
adore.
During my 68 years on this wildly spinning orb we call home I’ve already
witnessed the disappearance of many of my favorite things.
Like automobile running boards, duck-tail haircuts and Howdy Doody.
While we’re in the process of recalling neat things that no longer
exist, let’s be sure to toss in TV sets with round screens, cowboy
movies starring John Wayne, pegged pants, rumble seats and dial
telephones.
I
still don’t understand how doorknobs suddenly became so unpopular. Did
doorknobs do some bad things to people that I didn’t hear about?
Actually, though, there’s a bright side to this whole thing. Given the
times in which we live, I’m sure somebody will eventually get a handle
(no pun intended) on the whole doorknob controversy and put together an
organization to protect those pieces of bright, shiny hardware.
I
mean, we did it for whales, seals and the polar ice cap, so why can’t we
do it for doorknobs?
Maybe we could call the organization F.R.E.D. – Federation for
Respecting and Eulogizing Doorknobs.
Once that’s done, then we could turn our attention to getting singing
lessons for Britney Spears.
Contact Bob at
bbatz@woh.rr.com
© 2008
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