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Bob
Batz
Read Bob's bio and previous columns
June 23, 2008
I’m Back, But I Still
Can’t Catch a Break
Dear Readers: Let me
begin this Senior Moments column with an explanation. For the last four
months I was knocked out of column-writing by illness. Because of the
sudden onset of that illness, I didn’t have the opportunity to tell
readers I would be missing from these pages. Now, much to my delight,
I’m back. I hope you’ll join me each week for Senior Moments.
Santiago, the hero of Ernest Hemingway’s wonderful novel The Old Man
and the Sea certainly wasn’t talking about me when he uttered the
immortal words “We are born lucky.”
No
matter what I do, I can’t win.
If
I shell out big bucks on a “one-size-fits-all” piece of clothing, it
never comes close to fitting me.
One time I bought a product with a so-called “lifetime guarantee” and it
fell apart as I was leaving the store.
I’ve purchased lots of things that required assembly when I got them
home. The manufacturers of every single one of those products assured me
putting the item together would be “So easy a child can do it,” which,
as it turned out, was absolutely true.
The last time I bought one of those items I spent two months trying to
put it together. Finally, out of sheer desperation, I asked my grandson
Nick to do it.
He
did. In three minutes. He’s seven years old.
Yup, I’m a textbook born loser.
I’ve never bought snow tires for my cars because I know darn well if I
do they will melt in less than a week.
I’m always the guy who gets the cart with a broken front wheel when I go
to the grocery store.
I’m also the chap who always decides to gas up his car at the exact
moment the service station owner is on a ladder and changing the price
sign in front of the business from $2.80.9 a gallon to $35.20.9 a
gallon.
If
I had a dime for every time I’ve lost at the game of life, I’d be a
millionaire.
Hi, my name is Bob and I’m the poor sucker who avoids so-called “express
lanes” at discount department stores because every time I get in one of
those lanes there are at least 2,123 people ahead of me.
I’m also the guy who avoids consulting road maps when I find myself
hopelessly lost on a trip because I know darned well that if I use a map
I will eventually have to return that map to the glovebox of my car and
I’ve never been able to re-fold a road map on the first try. Or the 30th
try, for that matter . . .
Three years ago, my wife Sally and I decided we didn’t want a live
Christmas tree so we bought an artificial tree.
We
spent like $120 on the fake fir. It was absolutely gorgeous. So
gorgeous, in fact, that we figured we’d be the envy of friends and
relatives.
Two days before we were going to decorate it, all of the artificial
needles fell off the artificial tree onto our not-so-artificial living
room carpet.
The last time I went shopping for a used car, I visited an auto
dealership with a sign out front that promised “NO REASONABLE OFFER
REFUSED.”
After test-driving the car I liked, I made the salesman what I thought
was a reasonable offer.
He
laughed for 10 minutes, then said “You gotta be kidding, pal!”
Speaking of signs, I was at another store not long ago and when I was
unable to find what I was looking for, I approached an information desk
sporting a sign that was roughly the same size as Vermont that promised
“SERVICE WITH A SMILE.”
When it came my turn to speak to the clerk, I noticed she was crying.
You can reach Bob at
bbatz@woh.rr.com.
© 2008
North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
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