D.F.

Krause

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October 22, 2007

Never Repeat the Yankees’ Joe Torre Mistake: End Performance Incentives Now!

I told you performance incentives don’t work. You didn’t listen. Well, at least if your name is George Steinbrenner you didn’t listen.

Performance incentives merely insult your diligent employees while giving you false hope that your lazy ones will somehow turn into go-getters because they’re suddenly chasing bonuses. Won’t happen. You can’t repeal human nature.

But you didn’t believe me. So I need to make sure that you remember next time. That’s why, with apologies to Dr. Seuss, this time I’m going to tell you in verse:

My team is getting bad I fear

We haven’t won for seven years

My payroll tops the luxury tax

Perhaps I need to get my ax

I used to wield it quite a lot

I’d fire skippers on the spot

Martin, Lemon, Michaels. Lou

They’d just survive a month or two

But Torre’s been here for 12 years

He won four titles, that endears

I’ll look bad if I let him go

How can I make him quit? I know!

I’ll offer some incentives, yes

Will that insult him? Take a guess!

I’ll cut his pay, but dangle carrots

His answer will be like a parrot:

Although we had a first-round loss

I do not like this, George the Boss

You can’t insult me with this bunk

And treat me like a piece of junk

You go and take this job of mine

And shove it where the sun don’t shine

I’d rather swallow dental floss

I do not want this, George the Boss

And then he’ll go and walk away

And I can make a change today

I’ll put Don Mattingly in charge

Throw losses on a garbage barge

No longer will I spend a ton

And find the games we have not won

No longer will my team play flat

And in the playoffs they go splat

But wait! I’m getting heat right here

I’m getting noises in my ear

My fans are saying I’m to blame

For axing Joe they say “For shame!”

They think I made a big insult

And lost poor Joe as a result

They think I made him mad that day

So much in fact to make him say:

I do not like this, George the Boss

This offer it has made me cross

I won four World Series here

And yet you greet me with a smear

I do not think I’ll keep this gig

Your ego it is really big

So shove your offer, I won’t stay

I’ll manage for the Devil Rays!

Now, if any of your dufuses try offering your employees performance incentives after reading this, you really are hopeless.

Next time, I sing. I mean it!

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