Cindy

Droog

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October 22, 2007

OK, Doctor’s Office: From Now On I’m Showing Up Prepared

It’s official. I have become one of “those” patients.

I have joined the ranks of the dreaded visitors who come into their doctors’ offices armed with research from WebMD. From online college research papers. And most likely, from a few quacks.

I always said I’d never do that. That I trusted my doctor, to whom I have been going for eight years now. That my insurance company paid her the big bucks to do her job and know her stuff. Until her office policies went haywire on me, I intended to stick to that plan.

Now, all I can say to my doctor is that all is fair in love, war and business.

I read recently that 75 percent of car buyers now come into the dealership with an online printout. They don’t consider the salesman their primary source of information. Why should medical care be any different? We’re customers, right? Docs’ offices are businesses, yes?  

Not to mention, when I walk into a car dealership, I don’t see any signs listing all of the things I can’t do, or all the fees associated with those things. Here’s just a small example from a recent visit to my doctor, and how I – the customer – translate them:

1. “No news is just that: No news! You will not receive a call from our office unless your test results warrant a future appointment or further action.” The translation: Giving you a simple, reassuring phone call is a major inconvenience. We have more important things to do. Like the contest to see who can make the drug reps leave us the most pens. Or filing.

2. “All forms that need to be filled out require a $10 fee.” Translation: My signature (which is usually all the typical form I’ve ever brought in requires) is so valuable, that the next Indiana Jones adventure is about finding the version of it that is etched in stone and buried beneath the Vatican.

3. And my favorite: “We will be closed on the following holidays,” complete with a list of seven-to-10 days. Translation: You are dumb enough to think we’ll pay our employees triple time to work on Christmas and Thanksgiving, aren’t you?  

I can’t help but wonder. Why isn’t there a sign that says “We appreciate our customers” or “Thank you” like I see at my favorite grocery store? The store’s logo is even a heart, of course, signifying their love for me.

My doctor’s office could have a logo, too. Like a spear being driven into a bleeding leather checkbook cover. They could also have a rewards program. How about this?  Attend nine appointments on time, and you can be late for the tenth without incurring the $25 fee. After all, I work and have had two babies in two years. Throw me a bone here!  A small token of understanding for when traffic is backed up.  

All of the negativity I find donning the walls at my doctor’s office hasn’t – thankfully – inspired me to do the same.

While I would love to hang a sign outside of my cubicle that says, “No news is just that. Until I call you, do not ask me for an update on your project,” I know that would get me in trouble. Or, as a corporate writer, I could start charging for edits. “Any edits past the second version require a $10 fee.” That would go over, as my mom would say, like a piece of poop in a punchbowl.

So, to doctors’ offices everywhere, I beg of you to consider a friendlier approach. Your customers are busy people. Some with kids, some with jobs. With life’s little crises, both major and minor. The least you could do is ante up some free baseball game tickets, or at the very least, post a sign that says “Welcome. We really do care.”

© 2007 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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