The
Laughing
Chef
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December 3, 2007
Pi Are Square, and
the Kids are Hungry!
Won’t somebody think of
the children?
Why certainly, somebody
must think of the children, especially when they are clawing at your
legs, eyes puffy with tears, wondering why you haven’t given them
something to eat in, like, 10 minutes.
The question is how to
trick the children, once they are wailing and howling for something to
eat, into eating something that will quiet them while at the same time
introducing to their systems something akin to nutrition.
It starts with a
tortilla.
Lay your tortilla out.
Ponder the geometry of a circle. How much space does that tortilla take
up? Square the radius and then multiply that by Pi. If you were to speak
this equation to air, it would be this:
Pi are square.
Somewhere, a voice cries
out: No, pi are round! Cakes are square!
Following comes a short
drum roll signifying a punchline. You have just fallen prey to one of
the great math gags of all time, something that is said to have caused
Archimedes to shake his fist in rage with alarming frequency. You have
also further blurred the already threadbare line between math and food.
Consider this a warning.
Apply to the tortilla a
coating of peanut butter. How thick will depend on the availability of
milk to help unstick tongues from roofs of the mouth. There is an
equation that provides an answer, but that would suck the fun out of
eating, and everything else in a quarter-mile radius. There is an
equation for that, too.
On top of this goes
another layer, this one of honey. A word of warning, since you are
applying this food to children. Honey is mostly sugar, and the more you
use, the more activity you will stimulate. To be forewarned is to be
forearmed. Perhaps it should be described in terms of evenly spread
smear rather than a layer.
Across this, sprinkle
raisins, just enough to make it look like the peanut butter and honey is
what might otherwise be described as “dotted” with them. An equation
exists for this, too, but we left mathematics and its food-related
prankery behind us.
Leave a strip a couple
inches wide on one of the rounded edges.
Roll the tortilla from
the edge opposite that bereft of raisins. Roll tightly, for you have the
stuff to make a nice fit. If you are compelled by exhaustion to take a
breather, you will notice that the peanut butter and honey keeps the
tortilla from unraveling.
Once you have finished,
you have what looks like a little off-white log. Your children are still
sniffling, and look anemic from lack of energy. This is not a form they
will easily recognize as edible.
Take a sharp knife and
slice it into two-inch sections. Perhaps make a sound of a chainsaw
while you are cutting, and tell them you are giving them pieces of birch
tree to eat.
Feed the children, all
the while remembering the prank you were made victim. List math as your
blood enemy until your dying day.
© 2007
North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
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