The
Laughing
Chef
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November 19, 2007
Kitchen Relaxation: Hammer Away
There is an unspoken and seedy underside to the kitchen, which has to do
with the fact that when you are cooking for other people, it is a place
of great stress and anxiety. Who knows what catastrophe might be
unleashed on dinner guests, from fallen soufflés to salmonella
poisoning? It’s a wonder that anyone can get through a dinner party
without keeling over from stress.
Some might suggest that a good way to relieve stress is to do some
mid-cooking yoga, but it’s hard to justify doing the downward dog
position when it might result in scorched pots (not to mention the
distinct possibility that you might get stuck in downward dog).
An
alternative exists, but it is rarely mentioned because it is generally
considered socially unacceptable. The reason for this is that it
involves an act of violence using a hammer. Or, more accurately, a
meat-tenderizing mallet.
Before guests arrive, and at the moment when the stress is at its peak,
lay out on a clean counter a piece of wax paper. On top of that lay a
boneless, skinless chicken breast. On top of that lay another piece of
wax paper.
Now, take out your meat tenderizing mallet and take a whack at the
paper-covered chicken breast. You will feel slightly better, and you
will suspect that you might feel even better if you took another whack.
Listen to this voice . . . an at-ease you is right around the corner.
In
fact, lift the sheet of wax paper and look at the chicken. If it had
eyes, it would be looking back at you. If it had a mouth, it would be
smirking. If it had a voice box, it would be mocking you.
Insolence!
Whack, whack, whack away until the chicken breast is about one-quarter
inch thick. Shout at it, “Yeah, who’s laughing now, pal?”, especially if
your guests have since arrived and you wish to remind them who is boss
at your house.
Now, relaxed and at ease, you are confronted with a question – what to
do with the chicken breast? You could slap it on a plate and present it
to your guests as evidence of what happens when someone sasses you, but
this might be overstating things.
Better to lay on top of it several pieces of salami, or perhaps
prosciutto or capicolla ham, and sliced provolone cheese on top of that,
and roll the thing into as tight a log shape as you can. Bake this in an
oven preheated to 350 degrees for about 15 minutes.
Remove and cut into bite-sized sections to serve as an appetizer. When
you present it to your guests, if they’ve heard you at work, they might
have a look that suggests that they are unsure if you are mad or a
genius. Take the upper hand by immediately declaring, “Madness and
genius . . . isn’t it funny how often the two resemble each other?”
Your guests will take this as an answer to a question they haven’t yet
asked, but more importantly, you’ll be relaxed enough to enjoy yourself.
© 2007
North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
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