Mike

Ball

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December 31, 2007

2008 – The New Year in Preview

I don’t know about you, but as this year draws to its choking, sputtering conclusion, I am getting just a little bit tired of all the “retrospectives” that are clogging up the media. We’ve read about the best and worst movies of 2007. We’ve read about the best and worst people, the best and worst moments, the best and worst books, and the best and worst songs. I even saw an article about the Ten Best and Worst News Articles of the year. It came in at number seven on the Worst list.

I prefer to look ahead, to peer into my unfailingly accurate crystal ball and predict the future. Unfortunately, since I recently traded the crystal ball for a harmonica, I’ll just have to wing it. So here it is, my 2008 Year in Preview.

January 2008 – CNN commentator Lou Dobbs announces a breakthrough in the combined fields of recycling and immigration reform. He asks all Americans to collect their holiday fruit cakes and, instead of saving them to re-gift next year, to send them to the U.S. Border Patrol where they will be used to build a wall that will keep Mexicans from crossing our borders and taking our jobs. After the plan is implemented, it turns out that Mexicans love fruit cake. The wall is gone within a few hours, and Dobbs’s head explodes.

February 2008 – After an intense nationwide search, a reporter from the New Republic locates the last person on the planet who still thinks that George W. Bush was a pretty darned good choice for president. Clyde Delusion of Crow Butte, Texas, a professional survivalist and part-time cattle rustler, states that Bush is a lot better than that “. . . rich, faggy, East Coast John Kerry guy.” He goes on to say, “Mr. Bush is ‘specially good for our country, on account of he’s a real, red-blooded man’s man, and a true son of Texas.” Informed that Bush is actually from New Haven, Connecticut and was a cheerleader at his prep-school in Andover Massachusetts, Mr. Delusion’s head explodes.

April 2008 – Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan get together to form a new joint venture. The company, “21^st Century Skank, Ltd,” will design and promote a line of cocaine-based cosmetics, and (at Britney’s insistence) hair-care products. After sampling their products, all three girls’ heads explode.

June 2008 – Bill O’Reilly meets an untimely end while debating American foreign policy on “The Factor” with Rosemont Junior College freshman Amy Nosebleed. When O’Reilly is unable to shout loudly enough to drown out Miss Nosebleed’s statement that there is really no proof that all Democrats are Nazi sympathizers, he accidentally cuts off his own microphone rather than hers. She is able to make her point on the air, and O’Reilly’s head explodes.

August 2008 – Sacha Baron Cohen, who recently retired his misogynistic, anti-Semitic character “Borat,” creates a new character, “Churchrat.” This new satirical character is an ultra right-wing fundamentalist gay-bashing Christian preacher, who is also a blatant embezzler and a gay pedophile. When Cohen learns that his newly-created Church of the Divine Diddler has become the fastest-growing religious organization in America, his head explodes.

October 2008 – Just before the November presidential election, George W. Bush declares martial law, then appoints himself “Decider-Guy For Life.” With the exception of Justices Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia, the entire United States Supreme Court’s heads explode.

December 2008 – Newly appointed Vice President For Life Dick Cheney officially has his name changed to “Caligula” and breaks ground on a gigantic Coliseum to house a “. . . new age of glorious gladiatorial combat and human sacrifice.” To Cheney’s deep disappointment, nobody is particularly surprised, and not one single head explodes.

So there’s the year ahead, all laid out so you can plan accordingly. If nothing else, you might want to pick up a slicker and a pair of goggles. And remember, if anything I’ve predicted here actually happens, it will be news to me.

Happy New Year!

Copyright © 2007, Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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