Mike
Ball
Read Mike's bio and previous columns here
December 17, 2007
True Love for Paris
Hilton this Christmas
What do you suppose
Paris Hilton wants for Christmas?
I recently read in
the New York Post (sometimes I like to go slumming – what can I
say?) that the girl who is Famous For Being Famous just wants “. . . a
man to fall in love with, one for life. Someone that I can start a
family with.”
Of course right
around the same time that Paris made this comment, she was running
around the clubs of Europe with no underpants and a variety of boy-toys,
and posing for a new wine ad wearing nothing but a coat of gold latex
and a few paint-roller marks. Sometimes it’s hard to take her seriously.
Paris is almost the
same age as my son, so I called him up and asked his opinion. “If I woke
up on Christmas morning and discovered that I was Paris Hilton,” he
said, “I’d want a handgun. And one bullet. And instructions covering
which end of the gun to put up against my head.” Apparently he’s not a
real big Paris Hilton fan.
I guess nobody else
I asked was a big fan either, since they all had pretty much the same
answer – except for one person who said she would want an extra bullet
“as a kindness to that creepy little dog.”
So what exactly do
you wrap up under the tree for a girl who gets paid $50,000 (plus an
extra $10,000 for not wearing any underpants) just to show up at a bar
mitzvah?
Of course there are
the usual ultra-expensive gifts – things like toothpicks made from
mastodon ivory, or diamond-encrusted iPhones – but I’d be surprised if
our little Paris didn’t already have most of that stuff. I’d even bet
that if you dumped out her $45,000 Vuitton handbag you’d find a tube of
Guerlain lipstick, with its 18K solid gold case, 2.5 carats of diamonds
and a price tag of $62,000.
You could go all out
and buy Paris a 253-mph Bugatti Veyron automobile for a little over $2
million, or an 82-foot Bay SonShip Motor Yacht for just under $5
million, but she’d probably just return them for store credit.
For a bargain
$1,764,000 you could book passage for Paris and five of her closest
friends into space on the Burt Rutan-designed Virgin Galactic
SpaceShipTwo. The bad news is that the next available flight will be in
2009. That, and they don’t offer a one-way option.
I guess, looking at
all this from her point of view, Paris might have at least partly meant
what she said about wanting someone to start a family with. She would
probably find it a pretty nice change of pace to wake up next to a man
and know his real name.
Better yet, I’ll bet
that she would like to wake up next to someone who knows exactly how she
liked her coffee. Someone who will endure the frantic way she scrapes
her ice cream dish at the end of the ice cream. Someone who thinks it is
kind of cute when she snores, and who is grateful that she was willing
to put up with him when he does.
Someone who will
look at her 30 years from now and, even if she doesn’t spend her weight
in platinum every year on cosmetic surgery, still see the girl he sees
today.
You know, I really
hope that Paris eventually does find someone to spend her life with,
although it seems to me that she is probably not really looking in the
best places to find him. In the meantime – and I think just about
everyone will agree with me on this – there is one thing that I would
really, really like to see Paris Hilton get for Christmas this
year.
Underpants.
Copyright © 2007,
Michael Ball.
Distributed exclusively by
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