Mike

Ball

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December 10, 2007

Happy Xmas to Bill O’Reilly

Boy, did I ever screw up the other day. I said, “Happy Holidays” to a Bill O’Reilly Fan. Lucky for me, this particular BORF was kind enough to immediately point out the error of my ways.

BORF: Happy Holidays? Tell me, why do you hate Jesus so much?

Me: What?

BORF: You’ve joined the leftist, Democrat, tax-and-spend liberal war on Christmas, so you must hate Jesus.

Me: I don’t hate Jesus.

BORF: Then why are you mounting your secular assault on Christmas and trying to eliminate all that is holy in America?

Me: I’m not mounting anything. All I said was, “Happy Holidays.”

BORF: Exactly! So you obviously want to destroy Christianity in our country.

Me: No I don’t. In fact, I happen to be a Christian.

BORF: What kind of Christian would say something like “Happy Holidays?” Why, you ought to be burned at the stake for that.

Me: Or crucified?

BORF: Exactly! What kind of Christian are you to do something that would, in a perfect world, get you crucified?

Me: The Catholic kind?

BORF: Aarggh! You see?

Me: Not really. So how exactly does saying “Happy Holidays” pose a threat to American Christianity?

BORF: Well, the way I heard it when I was just a little baby, every time somebody says something secular instead of “Merry Christmas,” the cross sewn on the front of some real American’s hooded white robe falls off. You can see how that would eventually destroy us all.

Me: Wow, I think I’m beginning to understand.

BORF: Good! You know, I think everybody would understand all of this better if we only sent them to decent schools.

Me: What do you mean?

BORF: If all our kids just went to good, Christian schools instead of having to survive the nightmare of facts and non-biblical information that screw up the public schools, we’d all be a lot better off.

Me: So they should all go to Catholic schools?

BORF: Are you crazy? I said Christian schools.

Me: My mistake. So you believe that in America we should have our own kind of Christian madrassas?

BORF: Madwhatsis?

Me: Well, in Saudi Arabia and a lot other Arab countries they have state-supported schools dedicated to teaching Islam, usually a fundamentalist version. Most experts think that some of the madrassas have had a lot to do with breeding violent extremism.

BORF: That’s ridiculous! We want to teach everyone Christian fundamentalism. The good kind. You know, “Do unto others before they do it unto you . . .”

Me: I think you might have that a little bit wrong.

BORF: That’s the way I learned it.

Me: Right. So if everybody is supposed to go to these Christian schools, what about non-Christians?

BORF: You mean like Catholics?

Me: Actually, I was thinking more of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, or Hindus. Or even atheists.

BORF: They can all fend for themselves. Or go back where they came from. And you know where all the atheists can go!

Me: I guess so. You know, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Bill O’Reilly was born a Catholic.

BORF: Impossible. And even if he was once, he’s better now. He’s a Registered Independent, not some kind of rotten Papist.

Me: Again, my mistake. So, thanks for straightening me out on all of this.

BORF: No problem. It was the least I could do. And Merry Christmas!

Me: Feliz Navidad!

Copyright © 2007, Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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