Mike

Ball

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October 8, 2007

Gee Honey, Your Hair Smells Like Victory

I was just sitting here wondering why any woman would want her hair to smell like pomegranate.

OK, I admit this is a sure sign that I would probably be way better off if I spent less time thinking. And many people would argue that I might do well to think about more important things, like the effect of near-light speed on gravitational forces, or about possible causes and cures for Restless Leg Syndrome.

But I can’t help it. I’m kind of stuck with the brain I’ve got, and right now it’s speculating why women might want to use hair care products that leave them smelling like they have fruit salad on their heads.

I feel safe in assuming that it is not to impress men, because most guys prefer things that smell like food to be – well, food.

And besides, the food scents that attract men are things like beer, French fries and anything cooking on a grill. Have you ever seen a shampoo that cleans, conditions and smells like bratwurst?

In the interest of solid scientific research, I decided to call my friend Megan and ask her what she’s thinking about whenever she visits the hair care aisle.

Me: So, what are you thinking about whenever you visit the hair care aisle?

Megan: I’m thinking I don’t want my hair to smell like guys’ hair.

Me: Really? What does guys’ hair smell like?

Megan: Feet.

Me: <silence>

Megan: Or worse.

Me: <silence>

Megan: Of course, I also want my hair to smell better than the other girls’.

Me: Why? Women aren’t really all that competitive, are they?

Megan: <silence>

Me: So most guys smell like feet?

Megan: Or worse.

Me: Yet you like guys.

Megan: Sure.

Me: What about guys who wear lots of cologne?

Megan: I assume they either own a party store or they’re gay.

Me: How about those commercials where the nerdy guy uses the body spray and then gets attacked by hundreds of beautiful sex-crazed girls?

Megan: Something like that would never happen. Those hot girls wouldn’t swarm a guy like that if he sprayed himself with hundred dollar bills.

Me: They wouldn’t?

Megan: Nope. For one thing, they’d be too busy talking about each others’ outfits.

Me: That makes sense. I guess.

Megan: Plus, can you imagine the smells in that body pile? Every one of the girls would be sporting their own shampoo, conditioner, bath oil, perfume, cologne and whatever else. There’s nothing you could put on a guy that would overcome all that.

Me: So I wasted my money buying five cases of that body spray?

Megan: <silence>

So there you have it. This detailed psychographic research proves that women mainly want to smell good so that they can claim victory over other women, that guys can’t really get away with smelling like anything other than feet and that bratwurst might smell better to a guy than a pomegranate, but it would never wind up in a best-selling shampoo.

I think I’ll go take a shower.

Copyright © 2007 Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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