Lucia

de Vernai

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December 31, 2007

New Years Resolutions for Ron Paul and the Gang

Resolutions have become a New Years staple, much like hangovers and under-breath curses as we catch ourselves writing last year’s date on a check in the supermarket. Every year we make the same promises and break them on an equally regular basis. Politicians, of course, are not new to this process, and so it is only fair that they too be included in the process. Here are some common possible resolutions presidential candidates could benefit from:

1. Financial Planning – When the American public made the largest campaign donation ever on December 16th, handing over $6.4 million to Republican candidate Ron Paul, the other greenback-loving doctor, Howard Dean, let out a roar of rage. Other liberals echoed his disgruntlement when Paul announced that he was not sure what he was going to do with the money. There is a possibility that he is being slick, but since that is not a prevalent trait among libertarians, odds are he just could not believe that many people even know who he is. Some of us still do not.

2. Getting in Shape – America’s obsession with image certainly applies to politics. The fascination with Barack Obama’s angular jaw and Hillary Clinton’s penchant for pink blouses are so last year. In 2008 it is all about being healthy. While several of the primary candidates could follow in the footsteps of Republican Bob Dole and push prescribed happiness, if all else fails (pun not intended), Arizona Sen. John McCain can be the international spokesperson for Lipitor. Because, you know, he has been places like Pakistan. And because he has been to Pakistan, he knows how they think. Ever the attention-loving maverick, maybe Obama can force a longer stay in the spotlight by making a commercial for an anti-nicotine patch. Or septum reconstruction surgery. Provided that universal health care covers it of course.

3. Meeting Someone Special – Soon enough the candidates will have to commit to one partner to share the White House with. The keenest enemies may soon become bedfellows, as careful strategizing will determine whom each nominee will choose. There is much speculation about the potential cooperation between Paul and John Edwards, both proud of their comparatively independent mindsets. However, courtesy of the 12th Amendment, all the bloggers sick of party lines and starved for a r-LOVE-ution are in for disappointment. That is not to say there will not be much excitement. Like any relationship, whomever the executive couple will be, the country is in for quite a show. Bill Clinton as First Lady (won’t it be refreshing to see him take dresses to the cleaners for the right reasons?) or whomever Giuliani will be married to a year from now will give us plenty to talk about. One can only imagine the dynamics when we add a Mormon or a pacifist elf.

To truly appeal to the American public, presidential candidates should look into adopting these, or other, New Year’s resolutions. They probably won’t last until March, but then again keeping promises has never been politicians’ strong suit.

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