Lucia

de Vernai

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September 17, 2007

U.S. Push for Democracy in Eastern Europe Inspires the Crime Olympics

The study of comparative government, which could also be labeled the Crime Olympics, might just be the cure for American political apathy – and we have the law of unintended consequences to thank for it. American spreading democracy around the world has resulted in an obedience rate only gravity can contest, and has led to everything from brain drain to environmental degradation to political unrest.

The rampant corruption that continues to tear Eastern European governments apart, courtesy of the capitalist blitzkrieg in the early ‘90s, has harmed economies and torn social fabric. But hey, that’s less competition for the “richest country in the world” award.

Crime and politics are rapidly becoming synonyms in every corner of the Earth. The only difference is whether your president’s defense is “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” or “What Chechens?”

Regardless of their individual political persuasion, at least our governmental officials have not been accused by other major world powers of active participation in homicide. Does the U.S. have a shot at the gold medal in this event?

It’s a long way off to January 2009, so don’t lose hope, but as it stands, it’s the Putin administration that has had some close diplomatic calls with Great Britain over the death of former intelligence agent and Putin critic Alexander Litvienko.

Perhaps the Russians, missing the days of the Cold War, are trying to get back in the game and assert their global supremacy. To that end, they are showing their disdain for the “richest country in the world” by giving us a run for our money in another event – criminal-turned-politician events. Andrei Lugovoi, a prominent Russian businessman wanted for the murder of Alexander Litvienko, is now running for a parliament seat in the motherland. The position comes with the benefit of diplomatic immunity, clearly demonstrating that the American revolving door has nothing on the Russian roulette.

I’m not sure what’s worse, telling your children the story of politicians who lose races to dead candidates, like Missouri governor Mel Carnahan, or telling them about the candidates who win races by taking out their political opponents. Still, even our “we would never do that” reaction cannot fully erase America’s role in creating the present political atmosphere in Russia.

And the gap between us and them is far less than we may think. Like Russia, the U.S. is no longer one of the top 10 richest countries in the world. In order to remedy this, maybe we just need to tap our unused resources of crime. Why upset any more caribou or fight wars when there are thousands of law offices and party headquarters ready to provide the most potent source of resources needed to bring the U.S. back? Given its comparatively populist background, the Congress is the perfect place to begin training. After all, there is no consensus building like teambuilding, and an Embezzlement Committee is sure to bring out the best in Democrats as well as Republicans. A speaker series sponsored by Halliburton and the Guantanamo Bay PR team, as well as a cautionary tale about using steroids from Ah-nold, are already in the works.

It’s really a special day in a country’s history when its criminals are afraid of the government — because it’s crowding the market. The Russians are a little more immune to that economic interference, but I’m putting my money on the home team. The Russians may have radioactive poison, but we have changed history using cigars.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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