Bob

Batz

Read Bob's bio and previous columns

December 10, 2007

Come On: ‘Looks Like New’; Translation: Isn’t

Next time you have a little spare time and you’re looking for a laugh or two, pick up one of those magazines you find at newsstands everywhere.

I’m talking about the magazines that are filled with advertisements for cars, vans, trucks, boats and airplanes for sale.

Some of the magazines are free. Others cost a buck or two. The come-ons are worth the price in laughs.

Like those that promise “Great gas mileage.” Translated, that means “Only starts every third day.”

Here are a few more examples . . .

Come-on: “One-owner vehicle.” Translation: And that owner has been trying to dump it on somebody else for three years with no luck at all.

Come-on: “Runs like a top.” Translation: Most days it just sits there with its wheels spinning. 

Come-on: “Good daily driver.” Translation: But don’t drive it at night because the electrical system is shot.

Come-on: “Loaded.” Translation: So was its owner when he placed this ad.

Come-on: “Low miles.” Translation: Low two-hundred-and-fifty-thousands.

Come-on: “Must see.” Translation: But don’t drive it.

Come-on: “Sunroof.” Translation: The top fell off three weeks ago and we can’t find it.

Come-on: “Mint condition.” Translation: It’ll cost you a mint to get it running again.

Come-on: “Drives perfect.” Translation: Runs horrible.

Come-on: “Driven on weekends only.” Translation: In demolition derbies.

Come-on: “No rust.” Translation: Just holes.

Come-on: “Looks like new.” Translation: Isn’t.

Come-on: “Tilt wheel. Come to think of it, the truck, tires, rear doors and steering wheel have tilts to them, too.” Translation: $250 cash could take it.

Come-on: “Was $7,339. Now $1,500.” Translation: Wait a week or so and it could be $375.

Come-on: “35 K miles.” Translation: K is for kazillion.

Come-on: “Driven locally.” Translation: Can’t be trusted on a trip longer than five miles.

© 2007 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # BB100. Request permission to publish here.