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October 15, 2008
End the Slander of the
Apple! (Cheddar Cheese Will Help)
Let us show a little affection for the maligned apple.
Maligned, you say? Maligned and horribly slandered.
Perhaps your eyebrows cock slightly, but you have heard
these slanders uttered and perhaps even contributed to their spread. The
better question is how we have rendered to such a versatile and sweet
fruit the qualities of a repulsive beast.
It is the saying, An apple a day keeps the doctor away
that has impugned the apple. Its the notion that you may cause doctors
to shun you through the application of fruit that has so slandered the
Let us bring together these two formidable forces for good
and we know that in its heart, the apple wishes only to do good
through the kind of trickery found most commonly on situational
Start by coring the apples, which is to say cutting out
the middle part and removing the seeds and then horizontally slicing the
apple. There should be a little hole in the middle, as if you have just
made yourself a donut rather than cutting an apple.
Lay these slices in the bottom of a shallow baking dish,
and turn your oven to 350 degrees. As things stand, you will trick no
doctors by presenting them with the apples in the baking dish, even if
baked. The doctor will look at them, deduce that they are indeed apples
and if old-timey phrases are to be believed flee in terror.
What you will need is a disguise for the apples; something
more appropriate than a wig and a fake moustache. Might I suggest
Cheese is a natural disguise, because it offers a color
barrier. While it can be argued that seaweed paper likewise does that,
cheese has the added benefit of actually tasting good.
This, unfortunately, will not suffice as a proper
disguise. According to the rules of disguising one self and there is a
tome as thick as any that could be found anywhere governing the rules of
disguises you must have at least two components to have any hope of
We start by laying down a light dusting of cinnamon and
sugar directly to the apple slices. Over those, you add some crushed
walnuts and raisins. Finally, you lay down slices of cheddar cheese over
Once you have done this, you may look into the pan and be
surprised that you do not recognize the apple slices at the bottom. In
fact, there is a good chance that you may mistake it for a fish filet
and begin preparing a light tartar sauce.
Eventually you will need to correct yourself, and put away
the tartar sauce, because that does not go well with our disguised
Bake your apples for about half an hour, until the cheese
has melted and formed around the ingredients. This is more than enough
to fool any doctor who wanders too closely to your home, and will help
to restore the blemished good name of the apple.
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