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January 9, 2008
The Sweet Possibilities of Faux Lobster
of us understand that lobster is a treat to be enjoyed only on the most
special of occasions. These days, however, with the magic of processed
foods, every day can be a most special occasion, especially when
something as mundane as a pollack is, through various processes too
frightening to describe, turned sweet and like something recently swiped
from the bottom of the ocean.
the lobster shell protects it from, in terms of the kitchen, is anything
other than a date with drawn butter. Removing it from the shell requires
effort, too much effort to turn it into a pasta.
start by sautéing a member of the onion family.
Choose here sweet on sweet, the sweeter and less pungent leek to
complement the sweeter taste of the lobster. Later on, we will do
something to make sure that the sweetness level of this dish doesn’t
reach to heights that might suggest it be saved for dessert.
Slice your leek very thin, nearly down to the molecular
level. It should be nearly transparent, so that upon taking the next
step it will transcend into near nothingness, a strand of onion-y
To this, add a red pepper cut into thin strips. A nod in
answer to the obvious question . . . yet again with the sweet. The red
pepper is the sweetest of the non-hot peppers, and certainly not nearly
as tangy as its green cousin.
Once the leek and red pepper have softened in the oil and
garlic, add the chunks of faux lobster. As they are heated, they will
unravel into long strands. In fact, it is a sign that your dish is
finished once the chunks have broken apart and have become long
It is now time to begin heating water for the pasta. As
has happened so many times before, the equation hinges upon the law of
pasta proportion. A pasta dish must feature either ingredients that
resemble each other in appearance, or must be so completely different as
to invoke the age-old law of Opposites Attract that works in everything
from magnetism to human sexuality.
For those unfamiliar with how this works, the answer is
simple. The faux lobster has broken into strands, as has the leek. The
red pepper was cut into strips and is now soft. In light of these, the
proper pasta is linguine.
Keep the faux lobster sauce covered and warming on a very
low heat to keep it warm and moist, and as the pasta boils for its eight
to 10 minutes, add a handful of spinach leaves to the sauce. Make sure
that the heat is very low and, if necessary, add a tablespoon of water
to make sure it is moist.
Drain the linguine, add it to the sauce, and stir it all
together. Now, the exciting climax, how to combat the combination of
sweet leek, sweet meat, sweet pepper? Add crushed red pepper, enough to
add a healthy dose of heat. Transfer to a dish for eating, and if
properly stirred, you will come to understand.
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