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November 5, 2007

Let the Calzone Settle Your Sauce Conundrum


The great question plaguing mankind for centuries has been how to get the amount of sauce right on a pizza. Always, the answer is subjective, differing from person to person.


Perhaps the best solution to this seemingly intractable problem is to dodge the question altogether, and leave it to the individual to create his or her own pie-related destiny.


Under normal circumstances, a pizza pie with no sauce is a depressing site. It sits there, with some cheese and perhaps a darkened mushroom or two. It invokes sadness and depression, and if you eat it, you eat out of pity.


So, again, we are faced with a pie-related difficulty – how to dodge the question of “How much sauce?” while also creating something people look at and wish to eat. The answer here is, again, to dodge the nature of the question.


Let us skip the pie altogether and do something different.


We will start as if we are making a traditional pizza, with the rolling out of the dough into a circle. It would be advisable, at this time, to let it retain some thickness, for reasons we shall soon see.


Spread your toppings out onto half of the pie crust, going thick.


Instead of leaving it a pie, fold the crust over onto the fillings. You may do this one of two ways: either you can fold one half over onto another and crimp down the edges, or you may divide the crust into thirds and fold the wings over the middle, where you will lay the toppings. If you do this, you will notice that you can see some of the toppings, which is the effect you are shooting for.


Awareness is now perhaps beginning to dawn upon you. You have dodged your pie-related questions by the simplest route known to man. You have simply renamed your problem and pretended it didn’t exist.


In this case, rather than having a pie, you may now safely call this a calzone. Some will tell you that calzone translates to “stuffed trouser leg.” This is almost certainly true, because a stuffed trouser leg is a simple, useful solution to many of life’s difficult problems.


It is now time to pop your solution into the oven, as long as you have properly preheated it. Do so until the crust has attained a golden brown, which will be in maybe 10 to 15 minutes.


While this is happening, it is time to warm up the sauce. You will serve this as a condiment into which you will dip pieces torn off of your stuffed trouser leg. Everyone is free to take as much as they like, and they don’t even have to put up with an ugly, depressing pie that makes you more sad than hungry.


© 2007 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.


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