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July 28, 2008

The Untold Story: Barack Obama’s Trip Abroad


One would think that the non-stop media coverage of Savior Barack Obama’s recent travels would have been sufficient to relay all of the trip’s events to those of us stuck within the bitter confines of America’s borders. Few know that some meetings, however, were closed to the media and the public. And although we might never find out what precisely took place behind those closed doors, we can at least take an educated guess.


Afghanistan: Obama meets with President Hamid Karzai, who asserts his need for additional U.S. troops to help fight off the resurgence of extremists. Obama agrees, saying, “I plan to do just that, Ham-Ham. If elected I would send two brigades as soon as I figure out who in the Pentagon I should talk to about that.”


Karzai, somewhat puzzled: “John McCain said he would send three brigades. I thought you were the candidate pretending to care about us more?” Obama, taken aback, responds: “I have the audacity to hope that two brigades will do the job. Do you, sir? Do you?”


Kuwait: Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah receives Obama, who immediately begins to explain that in order to reshape America’s foreign policy, he won’t be able to be as close to Gulf Arab leadership as that sellout Bush was. The Sheikh, surprised, insists: “What if we build a new wing for your wife’s hospital?”


Obama: “That’s very generous of you, but I’ve already put in an earmark in Congress to do just that.” The emir, panicked, yells: “I-can’t-believe-you-why-are-you-like-that-how-can-you-abandon-us and go drill for your own oil like that? You know what that would do to our oil exports?”


Obama: “Drill for our own oil? Who said anything about drilling? I would never do that. I’m just saying that I’ll be making speeches demonstrating that I’m not in cahoots with you.”


Emir: “Oh. Then what the hell are you still doing here? Go campaign and win!”


Iraq: Obama sits down with Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki. Obama happily opens, “I’m very happy that we both agree that U.S. troops should be withdrawn from Iraq.”


“Yes,” replies al-Maliki, “as soon as we’re ready to run our country and handle its security, it would certainly be a good time for U.S. troops to withdraw.”


Obama: “And I’m glad you’ll be doing that in 16 months . . . right?”


Al-Maliki, still nodding from his previous statement, slowly stops. Awkward pause. About 10 seconds later, he asks: “Wait, so you mean take a third world country of 30 million people sown with thousands of Al-Qaeda and Iranian operatives, and just now recovering from the brink of an all-out civil war, and transform it into a secure and stable country in 16 months? Surely you didn’t mean that because that would be asinine.”


Obama: “Oh. Well, let me just say I’m glad that we agree about U.S. troops withdrawing at some point. You stay here, I’ll go tell the media we’re on the same page.”


Israel: Obama meets with Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, and immediately launches into a tirade about Bush having been an awful calamity for the world.


“But he’s actually been pretty good for us,” Olmert responds.


Obama: “Well, I’ll change it even for the better.”


Olmert, skeptically: “Uh-huh. By the way, how’s Jeremiah Wright doing?”


Obama: “I don’t know, I disowned him.”


Olmert: “How about Michael Pfelger?”


Obama: “Disowned.”


Olmert: “Joe Lieberman?”


Obama: “Disowned.”


Olmert: “That was a trick question.”


Germany: Obama meets with Chancellor Angela Merkel, opening, “Angie sweetie, don’t worry, I’ve been opposed to the Iraq War from the start too, so high five!”


Merkel, looking at Obama’s waiting hand, asks him, “You do realize I was happy with the invasion, right?”


Obama: “But what was the big fuss about Old Europe being virulently anti-war and anti-Bush?”


Merkel: “That was the guy before me. And by the way, you’re not speaking at the Brandenburg Gate.”


France: President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomes Obama with open arms. A grateful Obama says, “Merci beaucoup for having me, I am surprised that a foreign leader would give such a welcome to an American politician, despite the exceedingly terrible image that America must have in the world today.”


A surprised Sarkozy replies, “But I love America! She’s one of our best allies and a beacon of light for the world!”


A confused Obama asks, “But, but, you’re a foreign leader, and this is a foreign country, how do you not see America as the great devil?”


“I don’t know what you’re talking about Barack,” Sarkozy replies. “Most American allies have actually elected pro-American conservative leaders in recent years, such as France, Germany, Mexico, Colombia and others.”


Obama: “But . . . how am I supposed to repair America’s image abroad if it ain’t broken?”


And so ended Obama’s great journey around the world. Was it a fact-finding trip? Supposedly. Did he learn any facts? We have the audacity to hope so, but just as much audacity to doubt it.

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.


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