Click Here North Star Writers Group
Syndicated Content.
Eric Baerren
Lucia de Vernai
Herman Cain
Dan Calabrese
Alan Hurwitz
Paul Ibrahim
David Karki
Llewellyn King
Nathaniel Shockey
Stephen Silver
Candace Talmadge
Jessica Vozel
Feature Page
David J. Pollay - The Happiness Answer
Cindy Droog - The Working Mom
The Laughing Chef
Mike Ball - What I've Learned So Far
Bob Batz - Senior Moments
D.F. Krause - Business Ridiculous
D.F. Krause
  D.F.'s Column Archive
January 4, 2006
In Lieu of an Original Idea, 2006 Business Predictions!
This is the time of year when columnists write pieces like “a retrospective on the year gone by” or “predictions for the new year” – because it is easier than actually thinking of something original to write.
At least that’s why I’m doing it.
So let’s take a look forward and see what the business world has in store for 2006:
January: Alan Greenspan’s successor, Ben Bernanke, is confirmed by the Senate and promptly announces that he plans to raise interest rates another quarter point as an anti-inflationary move. Financial wire services report “Chairmangreenspan Bernanke raises rates again.”
February: Congressman Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., celebrates the passage of the National Gated Community Act, which will cause a 30-foot-high, barbed wire fence to be erected around the perimeter of the entire country, even as the government activates its long-secret immigrant zapper buttons and immediately beams all illegal aliens back to their countries of origin. The price of strawberries immediately jumps to $475 a pound, and hotel guests are seen walking through lobbies drying themselves on the curtains. 
March: In a re-branding move, McDonald’s Restaurants changes its name to McDonald’s Extra-Residential Meal Solutions Incorporated. By the end of the year, Burger King, Wendy’s and Carl’s Jr. have all followed suit. KFS – Kentucky Fried Solutions – remains the rebel.
April: Every member of the Fortune 500 admits outsourcing its customer service call centers to India after too many customers get suspicious about men with very heavy accents answering their calls by saying, “Hello, my name is Bob.” CNN’s Lou Dobbs adds them to his black list and urges viewers to boycott all 500 companies. When no boycott ensues, a check of the Neilsen ratings determines that no one was watching.
May: Kirk Kerkorian announces a hostile takeover attempt at General Motors, but loses interest when no one objects.
June: The federal government sues Microsoft for its latest “bundling” violation, as federal investigators show up at company headquarters to find bundles of people wearing light blue open collar shirts and just find it creepy.
July: A federal judge dismisses the latest slander suit by Proctor & Gamble against Amway, which P&G accuses of accusing P&G of being Satanists. Crucial testimony in the case comes when top Amway executives assure the judge, “We don’t think they’re Satanists in any way, shape or form.” Following the decision, a P&G executive comments, “Now we can move past this unfortunate episode and get back to the business of selling soap and harvesting souls.”
August: Neil Cavuto of Fox News airs his latest interview with the Victoria's Secret models, insisting that this time it really is a business segment because he used the expression, “Now that’s what I call shareholder value!”
September: As school resumes, Verizon launches its new cell phone aimed at teens. It offers unlimited minutes as long as the only things said are “yuh”,  “bahaha” and “I just woke up.” Within a week, usage shatters all records.
October: A tool and die shop in Topeka, Kansas loses all GM contracts after admitting it had made a profit of four dollars and 11 cents in the previous quarter. A groveling company president promises the company will renounce all future pursuit of profits and will take steps to become as inefficient as possible. The contracts are restored.
November: After Republican gains in the House and Senate in the mid-term elections, the market goes nuts and tops 14,000. High-fives and massive celebrations ensue on the floor of the exchange. Someone asks, “14,000 what?” No one knows. The celebration ends abruptly.
December: Target and Wal-Mart prohibit all employees from saying “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays” or “Seasons Greetings” – only allowing them to use the phrase, “Shop like a fiend!” Sales double. An extension of the policy through 2012 is announced.
God announces 2007 is cancelled.
Lazy columnists go the retrospective route.
© 2006 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.


Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.


To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # DFK9. Request permission to publish here.