May 17, 2006
Halliburton: The Puppy
Kickers Convene in Duncan
pennies from retired old ladies’ piggy banks, kicks puppies and boils
small children to be served over toast at breakfast?
Halliburton. Of course.
Once Headed By Vice President Dick Cheney (that is the official name) is
in the business of showing up whenever there is a war, a disaster or
just really bad stuff going on, and profiteering from same. Take,
for example, when your neighbor stabs his wife to death. Who gets a $37
million contract to scrub the blood? Halliburton. Or when a nursing home
is knocked down with a bulldozer in the middle of the night to make room
for a combination Wal-Mart and Republican headquarters? Well who do you
think changes the oil on that bulldozer?
it. Dick Cheney himself comes out and does it. Oh, I know, he hasn’t
worked for Halliburton for six years. He “resigned.” And “sold his
stock.” Sure. Halliburton’s profit? $78 trillion.
funnier than facts, and I would rather be funny than right, but
Halliburton is actually an oil services firm that can do a lot of things
no one else in America can do, which is how they end up getting those
notorious no-bid contracts. (Show me a company that wants to go through
a bid process instead of just getting a contract unopposed, I’ll show
you a company you made up out of thin air.)
also gets criticized for just about everything. Their profits. Their
political affiliations. Their existence. You name it, someone doesn’t
this dastardly crude cabal decided to book its annual meeting in Duncan,
Oklahoma – well, people couldn’t stand for that.
“Halliburton is having its annual meeting in Duncan, Oklahoma!
Duncan, Oklahoma! We can’t stand for this!”
can’t stand for this!”
we stand for this?”
our problem with their going to Duncan? I mean, I know, we protest
everything Halliburton does. That’s why we’re the Halliburton Is The
Devil Club. But usually we come up with some reason for the stuff we
complain about. What’s wrong with Duncan?”
deep, contemplative moment at Halliburton Is The Devil Headquarters.
Perhaps they should ask Maureen Haver, a spokeswoman for something
called the Houston Global Awareness Collective. (Heard about the globe?
Yeah. OK, you’re aware. Want to join our collective?)
arrested at last year’s Halliburton annual meeting, and is worried that
she might not be able to repeat the stunt – er, act of civil
disobedience – in Duncan. She might be on to something. Duncan’s
population is just over 22,000, and they might need their police
officers to focus on catching, you know, actual criminals? Besides,
according to Haver, the Duncan police work for you-know-who.
relocating to a city where they don't actually have to be accountable to
their own shareholders," she said. "They're going to a town they have in
officials do offer a fairly plausible explanation for why they are
holding their meeting in this quiet outpost. Apparently the company was
– how shall we say? – founded there. Perhaps enough of a
connection to convince critics that nothing untoward is going on here?
What kind of critics do you think these people are? They know
Halliburton is just trying to escape the spotlight. After all,
Halliburton isn’t prepared for criticism. It’s so unaccustomed to it.
shareholder meetings of public companies are bound to be seen by some
shareholders as their annual opportunity to seize a moment in the sun.
shareholders are upset about executive pay!”
shareholders want bigger dividends!”
shareholders are upset at these massive, no-bid government contracts!”
what’s great about America? Anyone can own stock in a company they
lambaste and criticize without having the slightest idea what they’re
talking about. Anyone can show up and protest an event because it was
located in a place that was impossible for protesters to find.
Halliburton executives will be staying in commoner hotel rooms in
Duncan, the kind where the door leads to a parking lot. Those beasts!
The anti-globalization kooks are looking for them at the Waldorf-Astoria
– there’s a Starbuck’s in the lobby, you know – and they have no idea
how to recognize a parking lot.
just as well, because they’re going to bulldoze it anyway, and build a
foundry to throw workers into. Don’t tell anyone. They like to keep a
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