Read D.F.'s bio and previous columns
August 28, 2009
Love Chairmangreenspan Bernanke, Because He’s There
Bernanke does not excite me, but maybe I’m too picky. He is a rather dull
man whose white beard looks like it needs to move as quickly as possible to
the top of his head. And he doesn’t seem to know a lot about how to keep
U.S. currency strong, which I wouldn’t normally hold against a guy, but this
guy is the chairman of the Federal Reserve.
that’s why you love him – because he is the chairman of the Federal
Reserve. And you, business leaders of America, have proven for decades that
you love the Fed chairman, whoever he is, however he chairs. You just want
him to stay.
won’t you stay
Just a little bit longer?
stocks’ in play
Just a little bit longer
if the bankers don’t mind
regulators don’t mind
you take a little time
my interest by a dime
don’t . . . care that you’re wrong
you love the chairman of the Fed? I have no idea. But you do. And I know you
do because every time a Fed chairman is up for re-nomination, the markets
get very nervous about the possibility that the president might nominate
someone new. When the president re-nominates the old Fed chairman, as he
almost always does, markets collectively breathe a sigh of relief, and do
silly things like they did earlier this week.
was when the Dow rose 30 points – on the same day, mind you, that the Obama
Administration announced it had underestimated the next decade’s deficits
by, oh, a lot – all because Gentle Ben was re-nominated for another
term at the helm of the Fed.
Marketeers, always susceptible to “jitters,” breathed a sigh of relief. “Ah!
Bernanke’s coming back! That’s awesome, because under him, the currency has
been in the toilet and the economy has been in a downward spiral. We love
you love him, exactly? Because he’s there, and you’re not hard to please.
Jimmy Carter nominated Paul Volcker to chair the Fed, you got used to this
big bear of a man who spoke in authoritative baritones. Ronald Reagan
couldn’t name much that he thought Carter did right, but when Volcker came
up for re-nomination, Reagan kept him around.
were so relieved! What would you ever do without Volcker?
eventually, Volcker retired, and Reagan nominated Alan Greenspan, who read
Ayn Rand and confidently told us all kinds of things that were sure to
happen (regardless of whether he actually had a clue). When Greenspan
testified before Congress, it was as if God had spoken from a burning bush,
except that the media would probably assume an arsonist was at work in the
latter scenario. GREENSPAN SAYS RECESSION POSSIBLE! GREENSPAN SAYS DEFICIT
COULD BE HIGHER! GREENSPAN SAYS METS TO STINK!
Carnac for nerds. And he could never, ever be allowed to go away. The
market would go bananas. Even Bill Clinton had no choice but to re-nominate
Reagan’s man. He was there. He had to always be there. The market
would have it no other way.
when Greenspan finally retired, George W. Bush nominated old
baldhead/whitebeard Bernanke, who presided over some of the most convoluted
monetary policy in the history of mankind. But when President Obama
re-nominated him, you were so relieved, you went out and bought a bunch of
freaking housing stocks! (Pulte was up 3.5 percent. You explain it.)
do I get this job? I’ve never had a job where everyone wanted me to stay, no
matter how poorly I performed it. But that is apparently one of the perks of
being chairman of the Federal Reserve. It’s hard to get, but once you’ve got
it, people will go nuts if they make you leave, because they love you.
they love the next guy.
© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
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