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Shocking Truth About Those Evil Bondholders
are a bondholder, and you are bad. You are bad because you are greedy, and I
know this because everyone from the media to the president of the United
States says so.
tell you why you are greedy. First, there are certain companies who cannot
come up with the capital to expand (and in some cases, even operate) unless
someone puts capital into the company. Since operating revenues don’t get
the job done, they float bonds, and this is where you come in.
buy the bonds on the condition that the company will repay them according to
terms both sides find agreeable. And if the company really needs
money, they might convince you to pay them a little more by offering you
first position, which means that if it comes to this, you get paid back
before anyone else to whom the company owes money.
for you and your money, the company would collapse and many people would
lose their jobs. They’re not making sufficient profits to do what they need
to do, but they’re still in business and they keep operating, thanks to you
and your money.
strange world that makes writing a business humor column a perpetually easy
task, you are the scum of the Earth – at least if you are a Chrysler
bondholder – because you expect to actually be repaid according to the terms
of your original agreement. And when the government asked you to take 29
cents on the dollar to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy court, which is where
the company now finds itself, you said no.
you know that I try my best to write comedy in this column. But there are
times when people say things that amount to comedy gold precisely because
they intend the statements to be taken seriously. Here is one from our
president, concerning Chrysler bondholders. These hedge fund “speculators,”
he says, “want to hold out for the prospect of an unjustified taxpayer
because, you know, bailouts, well . . .
are some statements so hilarious that you can only sully them by commenting
rate, I thought you might be interested to know what really goes on inside
the minds of one of these evil jerks, so I conducted a short interview with
a bondholder to find out how they really do things. Here is what was said:
How do you explain to the American people that you expect to be repaid in
full? Is it a matter of realizing a fair return for your investment?
you kidding me? Don’t you know why they call us hedge funds?
Now that you mention it, not exactly.
have hedges outside our office where thousand-dollar bills grow. They have
Grover Cleveland’s face on them. The mint stopped making them in 1934, but
they still grow in our hedges. So when some pathetic company like Chrysler
needs money, we just pick it, pack it and send it in. Then we extort them
for interest, just to be mean.
Well, I had no idea about any of this.
Want to see something? Come here. Look in this hidden compartment behind my
Egad! Where did those bones come from?
Those are the bones of workers we exploited to make the hedges grow real
tall so we could get more money. We worked them to the point of exhaustion,
then ate them for breakfast.
What? You’re cannibals?
Really, once you get past the whole “it’s horrifying” thing, it tastes just
See, I thought that when the president criticized you and called you greedy,
he just really didn’t understand how corporate finance works.
he doesn’t. He has no idea the sort of crap we pull. That swine flu? Yeah,
we created that in a laboratory because we have the anecdote hidden away in
a warehouse in Roswell, New Mexico.
I don’t think I want to hear anymore.
Suit yourself. It’s lunchtime anyway. I’ve got some meat in here for
sandwiches. You hungry? Hey! Where are you going?
© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
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