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October 22, 2007

Never Repeat the Yankeesí Joe Torre Mistake: End Performance Incentives Now!


I told you performance incentives donít work. You didnít listen. Well, at least if your name is George Steinbrenner you didnít listen.


Performance incentives merely insult your diligent employees while giving you false hope that your lazy ones will somehow turn into go-getters because theyíre suddenly chasing bonuses. Wonít happen. You canít repeal human nature.


But you didnít believe me. So I need to make sure that you remember next time. Thatís why, with apologies to Dr. Seuss, this time Iím going to tell you in verse:


My team is getting bad I fear

We havenít won for seven years

My payroll tops the luxury tax

Perhaps I need to get my ax


I used to wield it quite a lot

Iíd fire skippers on the spot

Martin, Lemon, Michaels. Lou

Theyíd just survive a month or two


But Torreís been here for 12 years

He won four titles, that endears

Iíll look bad if I let him go

How can I make him quit? I know!


Iíll offer some incentives, yes

Will that insult him? Take a guess!

Iíll cut his pay, but dangle carrots

His answer will be like a parrot:


Although we had a first-round loss

I do not like this, George the Boss

You canít insult me with this bunk

And treat me like a piece of junk


You go and take this job of mine

And shove it where the sun donít shine

Iíd rather swallow dental floss

I do not want this, George the Boss


And then heíll go and walk away

And I can make a change today

Iíll put Don Mattingly in charge

Throw losses on a garbage barge


No longer will I spend a ton

And find the games we have not won

No longer will my team play flat

And in the playoffs they go splat


But wait! Iím getting heat right here

Iím getting noises in my ear

My fans are saying Iím to blame

For axing Joe they say ďFor shame!Ē


They think I made a big insult

And lost poor Joe as a result

They think I made him mad that day

So much in fact to make him say:


I do not like this, George the Boss

This offer it has made me cross

I won four World Series here

And yet you greet me with a smear


I do not think Iíll keep this gig

Your ego it is really big

So shove your offer, I wonít stay

Iíll manage for the Devil Rays!


Now, if any of your dufuses try offering your employees performance incentives after reading this, you really are hopeless.


Next time, I sing. I mean it!


© 2007 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.


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