May 28, 2007
Wal-Mart, Whole Foods
Face a Grave Situation
knew this would happen. It had to. It was just a matter of time. And
when you think about it, itís no surprise that it happened first in
Wal-Mart and Whole Foods are busy in the 50th state trying to
do what they do, which is to build gigantic retail stores. Iíve heard
that at least one of them eats children and kicks puppies, but I donít
think my source is reliable, so all I know for sure is the gigantic
But thereís a problem. Both gigantic retailers are trying to build on a
site where it seems excavators have uncovered some graves. Some very
old graves. How old? I hear one guyís Social Security number was three.
But it doesnít matter, does it? When they stick you in there and tell
you to rest in peace, they mean to do so in perpetuity. Hereís your
bones. Hereís your grave. Get in. Get a good nightís sleep. No one will
bother you, we promise, unless we need to do any further DNA tests or
anything like that Ė but this is extremely unlikely, so donít even worry
about it probably at all.
Everyone who dies gets a grave. Itís yours forever. No one can dig you
up, move you, evict you or build a Wal-Mart over you.
Now. How many people have ever lived in Hawaii? I mean in forever. Do
you have any idea? I donít know when people first showed up there, but
it has to have been awhile, because they have roads and everything.
Presumably millions upon millions of people have lived in Hawaii since
time immemorial. Death rate? One hundred percent.
You see where Iím going with this, right? Where do they put them all? At
some point, you have to run out of room to bury people. Hawaii is not
that big. Thereís only so much room. Granted, a dead person doesnít take
up that much space, but when millions of people keep dying in an
unending cycle forever and ever, you have to run out of room eventually.
And then Wal-Mart canít build any more stores.
Now I realize there are some committed anti-Wal-Mart activists for whom
this is the furthest thing from a tragedy, although I would presume they
would not begin perpetrating mass murders just to start taking up
potential development real estate. Still, the discovery of these ancient
graves, and the problem it presents for Wal-Mart and Whole Foods, merely
portends the day when the last square foot of space is literally taken
up by graves. And there is none left.
Donít laugh. Five hundred years ago Grandpa Kalhuii died, you buried
him, and the problem was way too far off for you to be concerned about
it. Today? Don Ho. But youíre still in denial. But deep down, you know
Gore thinks global warming is irreversible. How the heck does he know
what the weather will be like in 30 years? The geek on Channel 13 canít
even predict tomorrowís, and unlike Al, heís a weatherman. But I
can guarantee you that the GTE (Grave-to-Earth) ratio is irreversibly
rising. Why the UN is not all over this beats me. But something has to
as with most problems, I have the solution.
This is perfect. A grave is six feet deep. A dead body lies flat, so it
wonít take up much vertical space Ė not even Rosie OíDonnellís. Even
when the casket is in the ground, youíve still got room. Just add a
little platform over the bottom bunk/grave, and you my friend are
sleepiní on the top bunk for all eternity!
Sometimes the combinations will be obvious. You might sleep in bunk
graves with your brother, and you could fight over who gets top, but
frankly you two have seen better days. For couples, you could just fling
the new dearly departed in with the old one. Thatís the way they always
used to sleep, after all. Then you could put another couple in the top
bunk later on.
Itís a swinging good time in the graveyard tonight.
For people who didnít have many friends or family, you could always do
random matchups, and you could also do funny ones. Some day Don Imus and
Al Sharpton could be a riot. Or Ann Coulter and Al Sharpton. Or anyone
and Al Sharpton.
any rate, these suggestions will forestall the day when weíre surrounded
by graves as far as the eye can see because people just refuse to live
forever, and the Earth is only so big. And since I donít see you working
to solve this problem, I owe it to humanity and to Wal-Mart to think of
get top bunk! I sure donít intend to spend eternity looking up at your
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